50+ and proud of it.

So, it was GCSE "results day" yesterday - the 3rd and last one for us. When #1 son did his, we had to bribe him (with cash) in order for him to take the remotest interest in work whatsoever. It cost me £70 and we were very proud of him. Unfortunately for us, smart cookie #2 girl remembered this, "Well," she said haughtily, "you have to treat us all the same!". It cost me £180. #3 son bought a BMX bike at the start of the summer with his own money and we 'subbed' him the rest in a strange belief that he would get good grades... Yesterday cost me £220 - 4x"A", 4x"B", 2x"C" and an "E". I send him a text - "I owe you £220, you owe me £121 for your bike. And, you owe me £100 for the "E". So that's a pound you owe me ... ha ha ha" (Note to the shocked: I send him another 30 seconds later - "Well done, terrific!") He sent a text back - "And just what did you and mum get for you...

The other day I was driving to work and noticed a small white van about 5 feet off my stern. I wasn't in a particular hurry but, as you do, gave the Brabus a quick blip to put a few more yards between him and my exhaust - I quickly caught up the bloke in front. In typical style, Small White Van Man nailed it to catch up. The bloke in front slows for the roundabout, I lift off and SWVM nearly collects the back of me. I take the first exit and SWVM disappears past McDonald's with his hand out of the window shouting "WANKER!!!". He was good at it - I think he must practice that a lot. Yesterday I was driving (my wife said 'posing') down the sea front and was doing 15 - 20mph 'cos the speed humps are so large that most of them catch the turbo radiator intake if you hit 'em too hard. They're really close together - by the time the smart's dropped into 2nd it's time to brake for the next one. They're designed to stop the Boy Racers annoying t...

Yesterday was the wife's 50th birthday. Not many people knew that - well, they do now. We had a party at home last Saturday and my daughter put up a big banner saying "Happy 50th Mom" - much to my my wife's annoyance. I also spoilt the image by buying her a large flashing badge that said "50" in little coloured LED's. To be fair she wore it for a while, but then it accidentally fell into the fishpond. All I could hear was goldfish laughing. On her actual birthday (yesterday) it was decreed that we would, definitely, have a barbecue on the beach. After all, the MET Office had predicted earlier this year that a Barbecue Summer was indeed on the cards. Hmm, right. At one hour after it was predicted (they can't even get that right) the rain fell and the wind blew. Imagine the scene - 15 adults huddled under various beach hut verandas and my father-in-law cheerfully cooking beef burgers alone on the beach under the shelter of a golfing umbrella. "An...

This isn't funny, but. My big beef is that people (i.e. my family) use kitchen knives and never sharpen 'em. So when it's my turn to do some cooking, I end up having to sharpen them all - properly - before I can carry on, otherwise I end up simply squashing carrots & broccoli into pieces and making soup instead of side-dishes. I sharpened them again, and because I had some time, I used the oilstone to get that marvellous Bate's Hotel honed finish... My wife cut herself. Not badly - only a small plaster required - but enough to elicit some interesting expletives. I got yelled at. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE THEM THAT SHARP?!". Now this brought up an interesting concept - to me that implied she was intending to cut herself anyway... "How sharp do you want the knife dear?" "Oh, fairly blunt please, I only feel like a small scratch today, thanks."

I've just come back from a week in Portugal on the Algarve. And very nice it was too. A significant feature of the weather was a constant wind which increased during the day and continued throughout the evening - so much so, that if you ate outside you had to nail the lettuce to the plate. We spoke to a local (in fact the skipper of a little boat that took you on "trips around the bay") who sagely said "It's due to Global Warming". Well me old mate, why am I having to put on a jumper then? In the hotel complex was a large tree. The buildings formed a square and shielded the tree from the wind. That tree had probably been there for ages and was on the glide path for the local bird life. It didn't matter what was on the disco, 8,000 sparrows were going to roost there every night as they had done for millennia. Jeez, it if it's not budgies it's sodding sparrows. Fortunately, they got up early and were quite quiet leaving. Not so the seagulls. They ...

So there I was merrily finding some information about a Tribute Night 1 we went to on Saturday when I noticed 3 very small black sticks crawling around my screen. Bugger, I thought, I've got some virus thingy. I did a load of research and couldn't find anything matching what I had. After about 20 minutes of searching I gave up when one of the little blighters crawled off the screen, out onto the plastic surround, down the side and fell onto the desk. The other two have since died in the middle of the bloody screen and under the glass. Anyone know how to take apart a Flatron 563LE ? Don't all rush. 1 This involved getting rat-arsed in the gardens of some large house listening to a bunch of people who thought they could dance & sing like their idols. TBH, the Michael Jackson guy was absolutely excellent and the Elvis chap was very good too. I'm a Beach Boys fan and the top-of-the-bill "The British Beachboys" were unfortunately, well, crap. I vaguely rememb...

Normally I dread my mobile ringing when the caller id says "son #1". He seems only to ring when it's "err, I've crashed the car", "can you lend me some money?" and the like. All has been quiet for a couple of weeks since he moved out. It's the daughter who's been a slight trouble with the Peugeot recently. It took me 3 attempts to get the 106 through the MOT. Everything was OK except for the emissions. I eventually found (I think) that it was a sticky idle control motor that had caused over-fuelling and subsequently burnt the cat out. Anyway, 'ring', 'ring', (tentatively) "Hello Son", "'Ello, what number should the fridge be on?"

I heard this morning that the great Michael Jackson died yesterday, aged 50, from a heart attack. There are those people who loved him, those who hated him and those who, quite frankly, didn't did a stuff. Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or his horrific upbringing? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or the allegations of child abuse? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or his alleged attempt at being white? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or that he died at the same time as Farrah Fawcett-Majors? Will MJ be... & etc etc etc. My wife was devastated, she had failed several times to get tickets for the (obviously now cancelled) MJ tour in the UK. Whilst watching the TV coverage this morning she suddenly remarked "Oh, I don't now how much shopping to buy now!", "Why?", I asked, "Was he coming round for tea?" There was rumour that he was in fact Latoya and MJ are/were the same people. Now we'll find out. I ha...

Just how long had all this gone on for? I mean this ridiculous 'budget-cap-breakaway-threat' mess that Formula 1 has got itself into? I read with great interest today and some relief that Max has finally announced that "it's all been sorted out". Fortunately, "sorted out" also includes a new FIA president in October ;-). I was watching Eddie Jordan before Sunday's race (Silverstone) and he remarked to Bernie Ecclestone something along the lines of "can't you just go and bang a few heads together?" It reminded me of that great Fawlty Towers sketch : To Manuel 1 : Pointing to Sybil: "This, Basil's wife." Pointing to himself: "This, Basil. This, smack on head." Now why couldn't they have done that earlier? 1 Substitute names as you think appropriate!

My son left home again yesterday. I say "again" as he tried this before and it all went pear-shaped - something about his flat-mate owing money to a drug-dealer and his mate getting beat up, we never did hear the whole story, but at least he had the sense to move out pretty sharpish. Anyway, he and his girlfriend moved in together yesterday and we went round to help. "I wonder how long it'll take for him to mess this place up like he has at home?" my wife asked. Normal coming home procedure was to kick off his work boots, covering the hall tiles with concrete dust & sand, throw the yellow jacket over the stair rail and then make a sandwich leaving crumbs and butter over the work surface. "This is a really nice place. I'm going to have a 'shoes-off' policy", he remarked, "I don't want dirt all over my floor!" I had to rugby-tackle my wife to the floor who was just about to kill him...

In order to save money by not hiring an "I know all about Satellite TV" specialist I set about installing a brilliant bit of kit I bought from the local Screwfix store (FreeSat install kit # 85448) . I checked it out by clamping the dish to the patio table and running the cable through the lounge window. This did not go down well with the wife as she thought that this was the final install. I tripped up the cat too, because the cable ran underneath the kitty-door... Also, there are no instructions with the kit 1 , only an exploded diagram of the assembly, a small device intriguingly called a "satellite finder" and a compass that would be laughed out of a Boy Scout meeting. I found out later that the compass was attracted to any metal object, including the dish itself. That's why the dish always seemed to face dead South. I had already installed the cable in the loft and down the cavity wall when I removed the fireplace late last year. The cable was coiled and ...

10 years ago I bought an Hitachi TV from Currys. It was superb, brilliant picture and so on. The only problem with it was that because it was a traditional CRT, it was as deep as it was wide, oh, and damn well heavy. Time passes and LCD TV's and FreeSat came along - and so did the Panasonic Vieras. "I want one of those", I said to my long suffering wife, "but I can't justify the cost when the TV I have is so good!" I kept tabs on the price (as you do) and eventually they hit rock bottom at about £699 what with the crap pound/yen exchange rate an' all that - or should that be dong? Last Thursday the Hitachi expired, not in a blaze of glory or anything to signify the end of a glorious career, it just failed to turn on. The little red light came on and then off and that was that. I rubbed my hand with glee - " YES! " The Panasonic beckoned. My wife glanced over from making tea, "Why can't we just get it repaired like we did 5 years ago? I...

Having eventually escaped from the traffic queues we finally made it to " Holiday-In-France-Part-II " - Le Manoir De Gourlay near the Somme Valley. We turned up only slightly fried and parked on the lawn. We walked in and found ourselves in someones back garden where the family were sitting around drinking. I looked at my friend ("are we in the right place?") I whispered. "Guess so, that's why it says Manoir De Gourlay on the gatepost". "Ah, this'll be it then". We were invited in. "Sit down, make yourselves at home, beers are in the fridge, wine's in the dining room, we're having a barbecue, are you eating with us?", "Um, yes?" During the evening meal, the host almost invisibly replaced the empty wine bottles with full ones. We got fairly trashed and I'm ashamed to admit, the same thing happened the next night. When we came to settle up the bill, we realised that each meal had cost a flat €25. Later on w...

Last Sunday on the way back to our next stop in the Somme Valley we detoured via Bayeaux to catch a glimpse of the Tapestry. It's something that's been on my Things To Do Before I Die list since junior school. I took my camera in, but was politely referred to a notice that read "No Cameras" and that little camera sign with the bar through it. Very good it was too. I was examining the cloth with great interest when I overheard the American next to me say "Gee, didn't they write funny in those days?". "That's medieval Latin", I said, "that says 'Harold Was Here' and that says 'Harold went over to France'". "You speak Latin bud?", "Yes, I learnt it at school". There was a man next to me intently focusing a Nikon on a section of the cloth. I heard him mutter "Smug git!". "Yes, but at least I can sodding well read." I spy with my little eye... something beginning with "A...

Having visited Mont St Michel on the Friday we attempted to get back to the hotel. This involved sitting in the queue on the causeway as everyone else desperately tried to not get drowned too. By the time we actually made it onto the mainland, high tide had "been and went". We spent a timed 27 minutes to go about 3km - 2 minutes doing the last 1km. When we finally made it to the hotel 1 my mate in the top-down MGF behind had had enough, his clutch foot still trembling and his wife nicely cooked, announced rather firmly "I think we'll eat in the Hotel tonight." The €23 menu looked rather good, my French was good enough to understand everything on it apart from one of the starters " Araign é e Mayonaise ". My electronic translator came up with " spider ". "Shit, the French'll eat anything" I thought. We called over the waitress. " Err, bon soir, ce qui ne signifie araignée? " " Eet means speeder " "What a...

Over the Bank Holiday weekend we took the smart Roadster and my friend's MGF over to France. First stop Le Mont St Michel . Nice place, trop cher at €5 per half pint of 1664 but certainly has entertainment value. It's like this. MSM is perched on an island in the sea and you can't drive onto the hill. So, you park at the end of the causeway, on the beach in various parking areas - P0, P1 -> P6. These areas are just below high tide level depending indeed upon the height of the tide. The nice people put up a sign indicating when the next tide is and which areas are going to get flooded. Last Friday it was "P0" at 17:30. They also provide a service to prevent people from drowning. The tide can come in at the speed of a galloping horse and as such, if you're on the beach at 'high tide - 5 minutes' then there's strong possibility that you're fish-food. This service is in the form of a man standing on the ramparts with a whistle, blowing it madl...

Not a particularly staggering piece of news but here we go... I was counting the engines 1 in the smart roadster on Saturday in a pretence to spray some protective grease over the rear chassis when I noticed a missing bolt in the lower exhaust bracket. Not a huge problem, get another bolt, shove it in and job done. However, when the holes failed to line up it occurred to me that it may have been AWOL for sometime. This was borne out by the fact that both mating surfaces were highly polished and worn. A "friend of mine" 2 has access to the Merc. Workshop Manual. It said "before tightening everything up, make sure that all the bolts are in place". That's easy for you to say Mr Benz - when you're lying on your back and require arms and hands like a demented octopus it ain't that simple. It also required loosening the turbo outlet-to-silencer clamp. And then it dawned on me - the exhaust was hanging on by virtue of the strength of the turbo and the top sil...

No, not the lens... (see previous post), but a programming problem I've had for, well, months. I'm only posting this here 'cos if anyone else is going bonkers about how to connect to a Websphere (MQ) remote server queue when you've got both client and server 5.3 installed on your PC and you're using Visual Studio 2005 and you're using VB.NET and you keep getting ReasonCode = 2058, ReasonName = MQRC_Q_MGR_NAME_ERROR and you can connect to the remote queue OK using the Websphere explorer and you're using Windows XP (phew). Go to this link for a code snippet that demonstrates how to open a queue, check for content, read the message and finally close the queue. How you process the message is obviously up to you. The code only shows how to read ASCII messages. I converted the original code from C# code to VB.NET. The short answer is to use the MQEnvironment object and not the MQSession object. It's found by Import ing IBM.WMQ and using AMQMDNET.DLL ...

I'm fairly meticulous about planning trips. Dunno why, I just hate rushing and end up being late for ferries, aircraft etc etc. I also like to know where I'm spending the night - hence pre -booking hotels, locating them on the map and entering the coordinates (twice) into the Garmin . We're doing a tripette to France with our friends at the end of May, they're going in their MGF -180 and we're going in the smart Roadster. Should be fun... However, the French seem very keen to keep the English out (no change there then), because the first hotel directions are "turn right at the D976" but fail to specify which particular right turn. The booking website gives one location and the one from the hotel chain website lists another, neither of which are in the Garmin database. I have two manual Garmin entries "Hotel1a" & "Hotel1b" just in case. You never know, I may even get an answer to my email before we go. The second directions ar...

We went to Scotney Castle today, very nice too. The house has "recently opened to the public" and has "been preserved for our National Heritage". However, w hat was real scary was that we walked around going "we had one of them in our house" and "my Mom had one of those too" and "I can date that Radio Rentals Telly for you if you like". There was that defining moment somewhere in the master bathroom when we looked at the Dimplex Electric Fire on the wall and realised that our lives overlapped those of whom we had paid good money to see. It gave me an idea. Shall I donate Mom's house to the National Trust? I'm glad this wasn't me. Whilst waiting for entry to the house, my dear wife dropped the spare camera lens down the steps. Did you know that Nikon 55-200mm AF-S VR DX lens can bounce down three granite steps and survive? Neither did I until today. I tested it when I got home. Now bear in mind that a D40 is an SLR and there...