50+ and proud of it.

Remember the "Hedgehog in the Greenhouse" saga? No? Well, one of them took up refuge in a plastic bag full of old tea towels, jam packed it full of dead magnolia leaves and hibernated for the winter. I religiously left the greenhouse door open four hedgehog inches all winter so it could get out and forage, and made sure that no one put anything in the greenhouse on top of it and so on. Last weekend my wife went to clean out the greenhouse. "I think the hedgehog has died, there's a terrible smell in there" Ok, I gently pick up the bag so as not to disturb it (just in case...) and begin to remove the leaves very carefully. "It's buggered off" "When" "Well, let's just read the guestbook to see when it signed out shall we?" "Oh. Well. What's the smell then?" "Dead leaves."

Now I've said this already, but here's a resume: Decking is where conservatory wants to be, so dismantle decking and pile in a heap alongside the garage; build conservatory and stop for the Winter. The plan is to have the decking outside the kitchen and finished by the time the weather gets nice - which could be March if we believe the "global warming" protagonists. I start by levelling the ground (slight exaggeration) by removing the grass + top soil - which incidentally, I estimate to be about 4 tonnes - and removing the old sloping concrete path. Well, we've had lot of rain recently haven't we? By the time I get the ground even half level I begin to understand the purpose of Wellington Boots and why ground and/or trench warfare is totally pointless. I trot off to the local timber yard to order some BOW's 1 for the frame and spot a pile of "proper" decking top. "How much" "90p per metre. It's all reject because there's

The problem with teenagers is that they eat - a lot. And, they eat at weird times too, like 2am, and they bring their pals back too! Cheese-on-toast 1 is a favourite (or, Mary Hopkins as my friend calls them 2 ) So, to keep up with the demand, my wife bought, along with shares in the local cheese shop 3 , a new toaster. Now this baby is a "four slotter" and can make toast faster than the Co-Op can supply the loaves. It also has lots of dials and levers, and, a couple of lights. This reminded me of the Red Dwarf toaster and I found myself yesterday morning staring straight at it, pointing an accusing finger and saying- "One word out of you and you're under the patio..." 1 This also includes chilli powder and other stuff. In fact, anything that can be found in the fridge. 2 This is an awful joke, which for the purposes of suspense, I'm not going to explain... 3 Cue Python

So, now I've laid 307 floor tiles that makes me an expert doesn't it? Well, even though I say so myself, I'm quite proud of this... :-) Things I've learnt:- A glass explodes when dropped. You can't get glass out of the gaps no matter how much suck the Dyson has. and, cats can't walk straight on hard tiles. Yup, now that was worth the effort.

I made a New Year's Resolution that I wasn't going to spend *any* more money on my eldest son - and particularly on his car. So answer me this: Why did I spend £60 on fuel picking up another AX GT from the West Country last weekend? Why did I spend £40 on brake parts, and, more annoyingly, Why did I spend the last 4 nights in sub-zero temperatures on the driveway fitting the damn bits! I must be mad... ...but at least I'm not ill - or at least according to the "Man From BUPA". I went for a follow up CAT scan as they spotted some "interesting" nodes in my stomach 6 months ago. The latest scans showed they had disappeared. So all this pain and anxiety must be due to me lying on cold concrete under cars? Is there a lesson to be learned here...?

I read with interest today an article on bbc.co.uk/kent about a gas leak in Sittingbourne. The local ASDA was evacuated along with several shops and private homes - some roads were also closed. "This caused major disruption" said one resident, "I couldn't make it to Argos for me jewelry" "Ow am I gonna get me fags now?" complained another. I for one, snuck out to my office's smoking hut to see who was there. "Anyone got a light?"