50+ and proud of it.

This is gonna be a long post... and this is the first time I've had the enthusiasm to write about it. Last Wednesday week I came home to find a note on the mat - " Sorry we missed you, we've taken your Dabs parcel and you'll never see it again, signed, Home Delivery Network ". I rang the number on the card, got the automated system and rescheduled the delivery for the Friday. Now, their web-based tracking system doesn't and didn't even recognise my postcode. Now, I know someone was in all that Friday - Daughter, Daughter's boyfriend, Wife, Carpet Fitter etc. Hold that thought for a moment. Now jump back to the Saturday before when I bought my son a lovely one-owner, 7 year old Peugeot 106 for his birthday. Brand new clutch and cat for the new MOT:- I insured it with me as a named driver, waited for 2 days for the "Insurance Database" to catch up and then taxed it online. All legal - excellent. I decided not to bring it home during the week a...

I've just bust a mate's PC. Now that in itself was a really stupid thing to do - and this is how I did it (very briefly...). Try and speed up disk access by loading the correct IDE driver. Doesn't work, so remove the disk in Device Manager (Don't worry, it'll find it again when you re-boot. Oh no it doesn't). Reboot and get missing " ntldr, you're fucked, ha ha ha ". Reload Windows from the install disk and repair the installation. "Please enter the Windows Product Key?" - Ah, bollocks. Now I'm really shagged 'cos the PC won't boot now either except into "Setup Windows, please enter key" mode. Ask mate, "Have you got the Windows XP Disk or COA?", No?, bollocks, again. (Briefly what happened is that the PC bust after a power fail and he sent it away. They returned a nice new PC but crucially forgot to transfer the COA onto the new PC. He later showed me the unopened license pack with no COA - so a genui...

I heard this morning that two seasoned yachts-persons from Kent have almost certainly been hijacked by Somali Pirates near the Seychelles. This is admittedly a little way from the main part of the Indian Ocean where the pirates normally operate, but, nonetheless in the same ocean. I was just imagining the conversation in 1, Acacia Avenue, Tunbridge Wells, Kent. "I've got this great idea darling, let's take the yacht to the Indian Ocean near the Seychelles!" "Isn't that where a lot of ships and boats have been hijacked and held to ransom?" "Yes" "I'll get my coat then". And on a completely different subject, my friend got his smart Brabus Roadster mapped by Reddot in Watford the other day. They reckoned it was 116BHP before mapping (even after putting on a standard map) and 126BHP afterwards. It's important to note that prior to all this both cars were identical in performance. It is logical, Jim, that my car has 116 brake... ...

I watched Jenson Button drive a stunning race at São Paulo to win the F1 Championship last weekend. Why he hasn't driven like that before is a mystery, but hey ho, that's the way it is. I don't buy any papers to read, but I was musing over the different headlines that might appear: The Times Button seals F1 title at Interlagos in thrilling race. The Sun BUTTON FLIES TO WIN! BARICHELLO UNDONE The Guardian Button flies undone tow in Barichello. The Daily Star Button romps in Brazilian win! The Sport More Sex Please, We're British... There's a guy in the car park who has the number plate B13AWN. I think he's already emailed Ross...

We went to see my mom over the weekend and took the Egypt photos with us. She casually dismissed 7½ millennia of culture and history with one remark: "Pyramids? What's the point of them, they're not pretty are they?" I must admit, I can see her point. (Did you know that Freecell game 3885 can be solved without using the free cells?)

The highlight of the Nile Trip was to visit the famous temple of Rameses II at Abu Simbel. In the early 60's, when my Dad first got a black & white TV, I used to come home from school and watch the BBC2 Trade Test Colour films. One of these was about the saving of the Abu Simbel Temples from the rising waters of Lake Nasser. I always wanted to go and see them after watching that film. (Although I can't find any reference to this particular test film on the net - so maybe I've got this bit wrong). We had a 3 hour drive across the desert which entailed a 03:30 start and a promise of "I'll wake you up to see the fantastic sunrise across the desert!". TBH, I've seen better at Herne Bay, but hey-ho, I was there at 04:44... These temples are just stunning. You're not allowed to take pictures inside the temples, but a little "baksheesh" to the man with the AK47 I got this one - along with several other people all taking advantage and jostling...

Yet another check box on my "things to do before I die" list was to visit the Valley Of The Kings. I guess it's to do with learning about Tutankhamen at school. So yet another early start, not because of the travelling distance but because the valley gets *so* hot you need to have done it by 09:30 else it's deep-fried Mars Bar time. Even at 07:30 it's hot - 'kin hot in fact. The valley is just rock and sand with absolutely nothing there except several holes in the wall and a few sun-shelters. Sadly, because people can't be trusted NOT to take flash photos in the tombs, they've stopped all cameras going in period. So, I stole this off the net (sorry): Now I have to admit to being a tad unwell due to too much food/beer night before and after visiting my first oven, sorry, tomb (KV 14 - Tausert and Setnakht), I was stopped by impaired breathing and a general "I'm going to die" feeling. I sat down in the shade outside KV47 (Siptah). One of th...

The days of the following week merged into one long day consisting of temple visits in the morning and lounging by the pool on the Sun Deck in the afternoons watching the Nile go by. This was followed by evenings of exactly the same but with a beer. To quote the Goons: "Gad it's hot". It was 30°C on the top deck at midnight... On the first night my wife woke up soaking wet. The air-con pump had failed and all the condensate had emptied onto her bed. She thought about going to reception to complain there and then. She wasn't too pleased when I suggested that the Arabic translation of "My bed is wet" may not get the correct message across. The next morning we headed off to see the Temple of Hathor at Dendera (north of Luxor). Everyone was fine about the visit until someone pointed to the back of the boat - Yes, that really is a machine gun. They mount it especially for the journey from Luxor to Dendera and you moor up four deep when you get there, two boats...

During "Cairo II" we also managed to fit in a trip to the Cairo Museum and I fulfilled a life-long ambition to see the famous Tutankhamun mask. It's jaw-dropping and you can get real close to it. You have to have a bun-fight with the crowd, but it's worth it - especially if you shout "fire!" first. (This wasn't a good idea as I completely forgotten about the man outside with the AK47). This day however, we thought it best to do something a little less intense and chose to visit the Pharonic Village (a living village on an island depicting Ancient Egyptian life). This consisted of a Disney-like tableaux of volunteers doing "stuff" as the boat went passed. However we caught this guy off guard. He saw the boat a bit late, jumped up as though nothing had happened and continued to "build" his wall. I'm not sure, but I think you can see the smoke from a cigarette in his right hand. Oh, no, it's weed... I think it was about this poin...

You shouldn't laugh but... Day Two and we took the guided tour of a few Churches, a synagogue and a mosque. You have to remember that this is the very end of Ramadan but devout Muslims still cannot eat or drink during the daylight hours of 6am to 6pm. We visited the Ben-Ezra synagogue... ... and the chaplet (sic) of St George (and the dragon)... ...and by now we're close to lunchtime, and hungry. "Is there anywhere we can get some food?" my wife enquired. "Yes", our guide replied, "the nearest is the KFC, we'll take you there. However, we cannot park outside, you must eat the food in the minibus while we drive." One quick visit and we're off into the manic traffic again. We were all merrily scoffing KFC down our necks when I was suddenly very aware that all the people in cars around us were staring at us through the windows. It suddenly dawned on me. "Ooops, this is Ramadan, these poor people aren't allowed to eat at all!". We...

For her 50th birthday present my wife conned me into booking a Nile Cruise with 3 days in Cairo with our friends Mrs "H" & Mr "K". On the first day we decided to "do" the Pyramids. I learnt a few things: Egypt is hot. Very hot. The sand is even hotter. Everyone wants a tip (baksheesh), especially if you look at them. This is why tourists always look at their feet or talk to the person to them even if they've never met them before. The inside of a pyramid has no air. Fat American Tourists have small lungs. Never take pictures of men in long robes. See "tip". Never, ever take pictures of men with AK47's. See "tip" as well. Men with AK47's can demand as large a tip as they please. Having run the gauntlet of pestering Egyptians selling small pyramids (or Pyramid Salesmen as my wife pointed out) we made it off the Giza Plateau and back to the hotel. We decided to go to the Cairo Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and duly ha...

We went to the smart festival yesterday. I almost threw away the invite - well, you do don't you? Something shiny drops through your door with "You have been invited..." written on it, you think "Oh, 'eck another bloody scam..." Anyway, I registered by pure chance - I rang up the FreeFone number to "...get more information..." and ended up being told that "...if I didn't register, I wouldn't be eligible for my free bacon sandwich" at the Merc dealer from where we were going to start. Already I had slight misgivings. This was the smart festival, not the smart roadster festival. "Going up together" meant "going up in convoy ". I'd done this before with the Yanks - '55 Cadillacs only do about 50 flat out, we used to do about 45. smart 600cc ForTwo's ain't that quick. Sure enough, we ended up going down the M26 at *precisely* 40 mph - much to the annoyance of foreign lorry drivers who just had to ...

So, it was GCSE "results day" yesterday - the 3rd and last one for us. When #1 son did his, we had to bribe him (with cash) in order for him to take the remotest interest in work whatsoever. It cost me £70 and we were very proud of him. Unfortunately for us, smart cookie #2 girl remembered this, "Well," she said haughtily, "you have to treat us all the same!". It cost me £180. #3 son bought a BMX bike at the start of the summer with his own money and we 'subbed' him the rest in a strange belief that he would get good grades... Yesterday cost me £220 - 4x"A", 4x"B", 2x"C" and an "E". I send him a text - "I owe you £220, you owe me £121 for your bike. And, you owe me £100 for the "E". So that's a pound you owe me ... ha ha ha" (Note to the shocked: I send him another 30 seconds later - "Well done, terrific!") He sent a text back - "And just what did you and mum get for you...

The other day I was driving to work and noticed a small white van about 5 feet off my stern. I wasn't in a particular hurry but, as you do, gave the Brabus a quick blip to put a few more yards between him and my exhaust - I quickly caught up the bloke in front. In typical style, Small White Van Man nailed it to catch up. The bloke in front slows for the roundabout, I lift off and SWVM nearly collects the back of me. I take the first exit and SWVM disappears past McDonald's with his hand out of the window shouting "WANKER!!!". He was good at it - I think he must practice that a lot. Yesterday I was driving (my wife said 'posing') down the sea front and was doing 15 - 20mph 'cos the speed humps are so large that most of them catch the turbo radiator intake if you hit 'em too hard. They're really close together - by the time the smart's dropped into 2nd it's time to brake for the next one. They're designed to stop the Boy Racers annoying t...

Yesterday was the wife's 50th birthday. Not many people knew that - well, they do now. We had a party at home last Saturday and my daughter put up a big banner saying "Happy 50th Mom" - much to my my wife's annoyance. I also spoilt the image by buying her a large flashing badge that said "50" in little coloured LED's. To be fair she wore it for a while, but then it accidentally fell into the fishpond. All I could hear was goldfish laughing. On her actual birthday (yesterday) it was decreed that we would, definitely, have a barbecue on the beach. After all, the MET Office had predicted earlier this year that a Barbecue Summer was indeed on the cards. Hmm, right. At one hour after it was predicted (they can't even get that right) the rain fell and the wind blew. Imagine the scene - 15 adults huddled under various beach hut verandas and my father-in-law cheerfully cooking beef burgers alone on the beach under the shelter of a golfing umbrella. "An...

This isn't funny, but. My big beef is that people (i.e. my family) use kitchen knives and never sharpen 'em. So when it's my turn to do some cooking, I end up having to sharpen them all - properly - before I can carry on, otherwise I end up simply squashing carrots & broccoli into pieces and making soup instead of side-dishes. I sharpened them again, and because I had some time, I used the oilstone to get that marvellous Bate's Hotel honed finish... My wife cut herself. Not badly - only a small plaster required - but enough to elicit some interesting expletives. I got yelled at. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE THEM THAT SHARP?!". Now this brought up an interesting concept - to me that implied she was intending to cut herself anyway... "How sharp do you want the knife dear?" "Oh, fairly blunt please, I only feel like a small scratch today, thanks."

I've just come back from a week in Portugal on the Algarve. And very nice it was too. A significant feature of the weather was a constant wind which increased during the day and continued throughout the evening - so much so, that if you ate outside you had to nail the lettuce to the plate. We spoke to a local (in fact the skipper of a little boat that took you on "trips around the bay") who sagely said "It's due to Global Warming". Well me old mate, why am I having to put on a jumper then? In the hotel complex was a large tree. The buildings formed a square and shielded the tree from the wind. That tree had probably been there for ages and was on the glide path for the local bird life. It didn't matter what was on the disco, 8,000 sparrows were going to roost there every night as they had done for millennia. Jeez, it if it's not budgies it's sodding sparrows. Fortunately, they got up early and were quite quiet leaving. Not so the seagulls. They ...

So there I was merrily finding some information about a Tribute Night 1 we went to on Saturday when I noticed 3 very small black sticks crawling around my screen. Bugger, I thought, I've got some virus thingy. I did a load of research and couldn't find anything matching what I had. After about 20 minutes of searching I gave up when one of the little blighters crawled off the screen, out onto the plastic surround, down the side and fell onto the desk. The other two have since died in the middle of the bloody screen and under the glass. Anyone know how to take apart a Flatron 563LE ? Don't all rush. 1 This involved getting rat-arsed in the gardens of some large house listening to a bunch of people who thought they could dance & sing like their idols. TBH, the Michael Jackson guy was absolutely excellent and the Elvis chap was very good too. I'm a Beach Boys fan and the top-of-the-bill "The British Beachboys" were unfortunately, well, crap. I vaguely rememb...

Normally I dread my mobile ringing when the caller id says "son #1". He seems only to ring when it's "err, I've crashed the car", "can you lend me some money?" and the like. All has been quiet for a couple of weeks since he moved out. It's the daughter who's been a slight trouble with the Peugeot recently. It took me 3 attempts to get the 106 through the MOT. Everything was OK except for the emissions. I eventually found (I think) that it was a sticky idle control motor that had caused over-fuelling and subsequently burnt the cat out. Anyway, 'ring', 'ring', (tentatively) "Hello Son", "'Ello, what number should the fridge be on?"

I heard this morning that the great Michael Jackson died yesterday, aged 50, from a heart attack. There are those people who loved him, those who hated him and those who, quite frankly, didn't did a stuff. Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or his horrific upbringing? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or the allegations of child abuse? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or his alleged attempt at being white? Will MJ be remembered for his great music, or that he died at the same time as Farrah Fawcett-Majors? Will MJ be... & etc etc etc. My wife was devastated, she had failed several times to get tickets for the (obviously now cancelled) MJ tour in the UK. Whilst watching the TV coverage this morning she suddenly remarked "Oh, I don't now how much shopping to buy now!", "Why?", I asked, "Was he coming round for tea?" There was rumour that he was in fact Latoya and MJ are/were the same people. Now we'll find out. I ha...