50+ and proud of it.

Remember the "Hedgehog in the Greenhouse" saga? No? Well, one of them took up refuge in a plastic bag full of old tea towels, jam packed it full of dead magnolia leaves and hibernated for the winter. I religiously left the greenhouse door open four hedgehog inches all winter so it could get out and forage, and made sure that no one put anything in the greenhouse on top of it and so on. Last weekend my wife went to clean out the greenhouse. "I think the hedgehog has died, there's a terrible smell in there" Ok, I gently pick up the bag so as not to disturb it (just in case...) and begin to remove the leaves very carefully. "It's buggered off" "When" "Well, let's just read the guestbook to see when it signed out shall we?" "Oh. Well. What's the smell then?" "Dead leaves."

Now I've said this already, but here's a resume: Decking is where conservatory wants to be, so dismantle decking and pile in a heap alongside the garage; build conservatory and stop for the Winter. The plan is to have the decking outside the kitchen and finished by the time the weather gets nice - which could be March if we believe the "global warming" protagonists. I start by levelling the ground (slight exaggeration) by removing the grass + top soil - which incidentally, I estimate to be about 4 tonnes - and removing the old sloping concrete path. Well, we've had lot of rain recently haven't we? By the time I get the ground even half level I begin to understand the purpose of Wellington Boots and why ground and/or trench warfare is totally pointless. I trot off to the local timber yard to order some BOW's 1 for the frame and spot a pile of "proper" decking top. "How much" "90p per metre. It's all reject because there's...

The problem with teenagers is that they eat - a lot. And, they eat at weird times too, like 2am, and they bring their pals back too! Cheese-on-toast 1 is a favourite (or, Mary Hopkins as my friend calls them 2 ) So, to keep up with the demand, my wife bought, along with shares in the local cheese shop 3 , a new toaster. Now this baby is a "four slotter" and can make toast faster than the Co-Op can supply the loaves. It also has lots of dials and levers, and, a couple of lights. This reminded me of the Red Dwarf toaster and I found myself yesterday morning staring straight at it, pointing an accusing finger and saying- "One word out of you and you're under the patio..." 1 This also includes chilli powder and other stuff. In fact, anything that can be found in the fridge. 2 This is an awful joke, which for the purposes of suspense, I'm not going to explain... 3 Cue Python

So, now I've laid 307 floor tiles that makes me an expert doesn't it? Well, even though I say so myself, I'm quite proud of this... :-) Things I've learnt:- A glass explodes when dropped. You can't get glass out of the gaps no matter how much suck the Dyson has. and, cats can't walk straight on hard tiles. Yup, now that was worth the effort.

I made a New Year's Resolution that I wasn't going to spend *any* more money on my eldest son - and particularly on his car. So answer me this: Why did I spend £60 on fuel picking up another AX GT from the West Country last weekend? Why did I spend £40 on brake parts, and, more annoyingly, Why did I spend the last 4 nights in sub-zero temperatures on the driveway fitting the damn bits! I must be mad... ...but at least I'm not ill - or at least according to the "Man From BUPA". I went for a follow up CAT scan as they spotted some "interesting" nodes in my stomach 6 months ago. The latest scans showed they had disappeared. So all this pain and anxiety must be due to me lying on cold concrete under cars? Is there a lesson to be learned here...?

I read with interest today an article on bbc.co.uk/kent about a gas leak in Sittingbourne. The local ASDA was evacuated along with several shops and private homes - some roads were also closed. "This caused major disruption" said one resident, "I couldn't make it to Argos for me jewelry" "Ow am I gonna get me fags now?" complained another. I for one, snuck out to my office's smoking hut to see who was there. "Anyone got a light?"

10 Things I have learnt about tiling:- Cats know you've tiled, but don't care. Adhesive called "RapidSet" does exactly what it says on the tin. Tiles aren't the same size - none of them - at all. Rooms aren't square. You can't cut a 20mm square from a tile, no matter how hard you try. Grouting is fun - cleaning up afterwards isn't. It takes 10kg of adhesive to tile a floor 3m x 4m - it takes 2g of adhesive to block the sink U-bend. Stainless steel sink units aren't. 15 tiles in a cardboard box falling through 90° smashes a cat bowl to smithereens. Cats can fly .

I read recently about a woman who turned left up a railway line because her Sat Nav told her to. Err, "Hello", is she completely and utterly stupid? This woman should not be driving should she? It really gets me mad that people make fundamental driving errors and then try and blame someone else. "The car made me do it", "My dog barked and I was so startled that I turned up the down ramp and drove 25 miles the wrong way up the M40", "My interior light came on by itself and so I shot my husband".... No. What happened to common sense? These devices have a thing called a "map" and a "distance to junction" don't they? My Garmin does sensible things like "turn left in half a mile" and then at (or near) the junction it's " turn left" . Not "hang a left as soon as I've finished speaking" but "turn left and have a little look to check the map to see where". This woman should be anot...

Funny how a job - "Oh, let's get the kitchen done" - turns out to be "Let's tile the kitchen, hall and conservatory too". Ok, it can't be that hard can it? {Extremely long story cut about choosing tiles} 1 Goes to local tiling place:- "Can I have some of these tiles please?" "Yup, you're going to need some * special * glue 'cos you're covering old Marley Tiles" "Fair enough, any advice mate?" "Yup, here's a free DVD on How To Tile The Professional Way" Eeek, to me a DVD means about 2 hours worth of stuff to watch. Already my neighbour who is a retired plasterer/tiler is starting to look like a better option. We watch the DVD together (no not that sort of "together", more in an "all lads together" sort of way - but less the beer). "Yes, that's right" he says, and promptly goes back home. How to tile: Mark out, mix quick drying adhesive, lay tiles, panic, mix more ad...

My Mom is 91, grew up in "The War" and now firmly believes that she's 23 and can do anything. She insists that she still goes up to town and down to the butcher's every week, whereas we all know that she hasn't been out since last July. My sister and I kept gently asking if "she needs any help" with the cooking, cleaning and, more importantly, remembering to take her tablets every day. An important digression: UK Social Services will not get involved unless the involvee specifically requests them to help by signing an involvement document. The conversation generally goes along the lines of: "Mom, shall we ask if you need some help?" "What! I don't need any help, I still go to town, what day is it? who are you?" This is nearly the classic Catch 22 situation (look it up on Google...). How do you get someone to say they need help, when they genuinely don't believe that they do? The answer presented itself over the New Year. To ...

Consider this. It's Christmas Eve and the family are round - like good Catholics we they are, they all go to Midnight Mass. So that no one can break in and steal the presents, I volunteer to stay at home guarding the Christmas Tree - armed only with a decent bottle of Chatneau-Neuf. 2am arrives and we trot off to the Land Of Nod. The good wife and I sleep downstairs with the trusty mobile phone alarm set for 10am so that the sprouts can go on ready for 3pm lunch. At precisely 07:15 the phone erupts with some weird polyphonic garbage that laughingly passes for a text message alert. "What the f*** was that?" "It's my best friend Lorraine 1 wishing us a Happy Christmas! How nice!" I think she's the second person to be nominated for the pwsbk award... 1 Name not changed - at all.

(ring, ring, ring) "Hello" "Hello, it's me 1 ! I just stabbed myself in the foot with a pair of hairdressing scissors!" "Umm, what did you want to go and do that for?" "Never mind why, shall I go and get a tetanus jab?" "Dunno, ring up NHS Direct and ask them" "Are you kidding, they'll just says 'Yes' to be on the safe side, and I've got better things to so than to wait hours on the phone waiting for someone to answer" "Your choice, it's your foot that's bleeding - why don't you ring up the local hospital 2 and ask them instead?" "Good idea. What shall I tell them?" "You could say that you decided that the stress of the Festive Season 3 has become too great and you decided to end it all by stabbing yourself in the foot - just in case you changed your mind later." "That's not helpful" 1 The Wife. 2 Minor Injuries Unit only... 3 Can't say "Chri...

Shit happens, as my friend used to say (sadly, he's dead now, but that is another story 1 ). Mr Ego drilled a hole in the wrong place for the handle on one of the small doors. "Don't worry" he says, I've ordered another one. A *large* parcel turns up some days later with a full height 600mm door. I ring MFI (again). "Err, there's a parcel here with the wrong door in it" "Why did you order that one then sir?" "Eh? I didn't order it, it was the fitter he... Never mind, can you send me another door?" "Why do you want another 600m door, when it's wrong?" "No. I want another door to replace the one that's got the hole in the wrong place" "Oh, What door is that then?" "The small 'on the wall cupboard' door' that's only 450mm high!" "We don't make that one" "WTF? Look at the sales order woman, I ordered four small cupboards!" "Oh they're...

So the "man" turns up last Monday armed with a screwdriver and a large ego and starts to fit the kitchen. He decides that because I've not paid him to do the plumbing for the sink, he's going to fit the sink unit such that it's impossible to get to the pipe-work behind; and he knows that the dishwasher infeed hose won't reach the appliance tap under the sink... I got him back by going to MFI and asking them supply me with the shelves which he's taken away with him because there's no place for them. Well, they're my shelves, I want to throw them away, not him. I eventually re-do the pipework and fit the dishwasher, outside tap spur and new monobloc tap using "speedfit" flexibles. I should at this juncture point out that the new kitchen saga all began because the old taps dripped. The new tap dripped. I take the tap back to B&Q and ask for a refund under Sales Of Goods Act - not fit for purpose. Much to my amazement, I get a full ref...

So we've got this new kitchen on order from MFI and decide to buy the sink from B&Q (Gillingham). (We liked the colour or something). Now B&Q bless 'em, put a list of other "stuff" to get when you buy a sink. On the shelf it says "you need Packs A, B & C 1 " - which we duly purchase. Pack "B" is the complex double-sink pipework that you need to get it all to drain away through Pack "C" - the bottle trap. We go home. After three... "oh the leg bone is connected... etc etc" and after 20 minutes it's obvious that Pack "B", part F32 does not in anyway shape or form connect to Pack "C", bottle trap. My wife reads a label on the sink hidden behind the Leopard 2 that says "You need Packs A, B & D". We decide go to Herne Bay for a day out and on the way back, drop into B&Q (Herne Bay). To pick up Pack D and meet an old 3 man in a B&Q suit who claims to be a plumber:- "Sorr...

It's like this. The weather stays dry for 2 weeks - they come and put up the sides and they find that the specialised roof hasn't turned up from the makers as it should - and of course it rains overnight. So all that lovely sun-drying has come to naught... Bugger. I woke up at 3:00am to hear the rain pouring down. "Don't worry" I think, "I can always sweep it out in the morning" The 3:04 paranoia sets it... "Hang on! The doors are fitted, is really is like a swimming pool now, it could potentially get to six feet deep! Don't be silly, it can't rain that much! Ah, but, there's a hole where the sparky has drilled through the wall to put the ring-main. My God! If it gets that high it'll be all over the living room. Quick get up and open the doors...". And so and so forth in a similar vein. Fortunately, I fall asleep. I awake to find about 1mm in puddles on the floor. The men arrive. "Hello, don't worry, the lad will dry i...

I came home from work today (in the dark) to find that the conservatory was completely erected. "Odd" I thought, "I understood that it was going to take at least 3 days." I got the keys and went inside to have a look, was very impressed and went back indoors. "Nice isn't it?" asked the wife. "Yup, it's damn cold though, I though all that double-glazing was supposed to hold the heat?" "Well, they'll be back tomorrow though" "Why" "They haven't put the roof on yet..."

I am ashamed to admit that I trusted what my eldest son told me. Short version: Letter from Police about speeding, "It wasn't me" "Are you sure?" "Yes, really wasn't me, I was sh***ing my girlfriend at the time." "Ok, I'll write a nice solicitor sounding letter" ...time passes... (ring) (ring) "It's the Police, (blah) Peverting the course of justice (blah) Video evidence (blah) Lose license (blah)" "Um, it was me really" Funnily enough, I went very quiet. I am really, really, really f*'ing annoyed with the little twat. Not for speeding, we've all done that haven't we chaps?, but for lying to me...

I certainly didn't expect one of the hedgehogs to hibernate in the greenhouse... I need to do some research - do they get up at all for a snack, like squirrels do? Or, can I shut the door? Are they smart enough to ring the bell if they want to get out?

Another outing for the daughter in the car. This time 3 miles along the main road to pick up son number 2 from his friends. Her boyfriend came with us in the back of the car. "Don't say a word! " I warned him. And, to be fair, not a murmur was heard. When we got back I asked the question - "Well, that wasn't too bad, I didn't think I was going to die that time, did you?". There was an ominous silence. "Ummm, only twice..."