50+ and proud of it.

Last week door lock bust on the smart roadie. And it went back in under warranty. Now, not that I'm going to libel Drake & Fletcher of Sutton Road, Maidstone, no no, far from it. They've always been most courteous and helpful all the many times I've had to ring them up since April when I picked up the Brabus. However, the following things were noticed when I got the car back from the "lock-fix":- The outer door handle wasn't as flush to the door skin as the passenger side. Only 1mm as opposed to 0.5mm, different none-the-less. The two black stickers that hide the screws weren't replaced, meaning that the screw heads are now visible every time you open the door. OK, they're only 6d for a thousand, but... The door seems to be slightly harder to pull open. Two of the clips that hold the screws that hold the front wing on were broken. To be fair, they may have already been bust, but they should have replaced them shouldn't they? This morning was th...

1. Attempt to repair a Windows XP laptop. Let me explain: Daughter comes back from university for the weekend. I manage to grab her laptop to install her new printer and notice that the Windows Updates are failing - like, all of them. Time & wine pass. Seems like a good idea to repair Windows using my genuine 1 XP Pro CD. The install fails for some reason with a CRC error on D:\I386\NT5.CAT. I scan the internet and get advised to rename CATROOT & CATROOT2 directories and try again. I reinstall and it works but I now get asked to put in the product key. And here where it all goes wrong due to Mr Merlot. I enter *my* product key from the disc. Bill says no and I'm stuffed. Whenever I try to log on, I get "please activate your copy of XP" and I can go no further. (lots of stuff deleted here about trying illegal keygens etc etc...) I panic (she needs the PC for uni) and buy a copy from eBay from the same bloke that I bought my copy from. My internet goes T/U 2 when ...

The smart roadster last week decided that it liked me an awful lot and showed its affection by not letting me out of the drivers door. A quick phone call confirmed it was under warranty. "Just drop it in and we'll take a look", they said. Great, but they then followed that with "if we can't fix it we'll have a word with the Mercedes dealer next door". Four days later I got it back, fixed and with a new door lock. However, they charged me for a new door handle which wasn't under warranty - go figure - but at least it was the upgraded version with the plastic bit that stops the pin falling out. Did you know, that to get to the lock (and everything else including the speakers) you have to remove the door skin ? Yes, the outer piece. There is no door card. To get that off you need to remove the door. To get that off you need to remove the front wing. To get that off you have to remove the Brabus side skirt. To get that off you break the clips... see prev...

Sooo, Lewis managed another spectacular cock-up this morning by coming 12th in Japan . Fortunately, Massa only managed 8th. The fish pond however was completed yesterday and finished off with a 25%-off-fountain. We formally opened the pond by throwing in a floating ceramic frog. " I declare this pond open " I said in a fake royal accent. "Don't worry", said my wife, "we can get the pieces out later." I also noted that a Ukrainian radio-telescope has sent out a message to a nearby planet from the users of Bebo. Two things here: Assuming 1) ET is listening - " wtf was that? I just got some signal from somewhere but now it's gone ". 2) That they actually manage to decode it - " Err, it's from some social networking site or other ". " Bloody hell, for heaven's sake, don't send anything back.., shut down the transmitter..., turn off the lights... ".

It started with us taking the daughter down to Brighton to start that fascinating part of life known as "university". The most traumatic part being the fact that the girl in room 7 decided that it was too difficult to work out that the numbers on the kitchen cupboards should match the number on her room. "C T-C" as she's now known annexed cupboard 2. Daughter - not impressed. If that's all she's got to worry about then that should be fine... Back home, the raised fishpond was not going swimmingly well. I filled it full of water to test it out and it promptly collapsed. Plan B involves ½ tonne of sand and some more wood. We can dry out the conservatory later. Sunday afternoon proved to be more fruitful . Hamilton came third in the Singapore Grand Prix - the Ferrari's scoring bugger all. And, I managed to get the last clip that holds on the skirts of the Brabus into place - that's only taken me about 3 weeks. How to change the plugs on a smart R...

We did the quick monthly trip to ensure that Mother was still OK, and on the way back down the M1 I was overtaking a slower-moving vehicle (who was doing about 75...) and I was suddenly aware that my rear-view mirror had gone black. Now, bear in mind that I'm still alongside said SMV and I'm doing about 85 - this Range Rover thingy is approximately 10 feet up my chuff. Fair enough, I complete the manoeuvre, move over and he goes whacking past. I noted the plate - "B4 INS", Mr Bains, no doubt. My wife calmly remarked "He could do with an R in that" There's already two in the driving seat...

After 12 careful years of looking after my work PC, I left it turned on this Monday gone because one of my work colleagues needed to use it on Tuesday (it takes too long to boot - but that's another moan). I came in today to find it in a permanent state of reboot because some t*** in Finland decided to remotely load on some new crap that required a re-boot. No one spotted the "please reboot" question. That crap was F-Secure. The "waiting reboot" (we think) left the PC unprotected and somehow the MSBlast virus got on it - probably not, but we've no other explanation. Anyhow, none of the normal fixes worked so we decided to use an XP install disc to "repair" Windows. Yeah right. Setup failed halfway through with a SVCHOST crash and that was that. No way out. After 7 hours of trying to fix using the keenest minds in Britain we've had to re-install a clean O/S. So that's Thursday and Friday knackered then. I hate Microsoft. I hate the Finns ev...

My son's car alarm has developed a fault and goes off every so often. Last night was no exception. Guess who moaned at me? Yup, the Budgie Woman. Now, I didn't engineer it that way, honestly. But let's just say I'm not going to provide any help what-so-ever to help solve the fault... :-)

The roadie performed faultlessly last week when we drove down to and toured Brittany. I was surprised at the amount of attention it got from the locals - many of them doing the usual peering inside with their hands shielding their eyes from the reflection in the glass and then going around the back to see what the make was. We even got the classic "peer-and-shrug" from one them: (peer) "Qu'est-ce que c'est alors?" (shrug) "Je ne sais pas..." We stopped in a gite on a farm and the owner (whose first language was Breton and spoke pidgin French ) asked to look at the engine. "What did he say?" asked my wife. "Dunno, something about a suitcase, I think." I don't speak French that well. I can order a beer and a meal, but that's about it. I was wondering how to sum up a roadie to a local in one word if asked. I eventually worked it out - "inattendu" Unexpectedly changing gear. Unexpectedly not accelerating when it re...

"I know," I said, "let's go on holiday to France and let's go in the Brabus". Sounds like a good idea, after all the smart Roadster will be doing about 50mpg and the holiday is only in Brittany. Last Friday, I checked the "how far to go to next service" button. Ah, 800 miles. Um, let's ring up the Merc dealer and get it serviced. And here's the point of this entry. "No problem sir, we can do it tomorrow, we'll knock 20% off the price of the service, 10% off the cost of parts because it's over 3 years old, we'll wash it too 'cos that's what Mercedes dealers do". And to top it all, I got a very nice Parker pen at the end of it. "So how much did that all cost?", asked the wife when I got home. "Err, £150, but they checked the car over as well as changing the oil and filter." "How much was the oil?" "Ah, £30, but it is expensive-fully-synthetic-stuff", "...and the filt...

Today is "A" Level results day. The time is 07:15. In the old days you had to wait for a letter to arrive in the post. Not any more. My daughter has just checked the UCAS web-site and has found that Brighton Uni has accepted her. Pleased? Damn right I am. So why was she crying? No idea - me neither. That's the sort of thing her mother would do, it must be hereditary... "Bye-bye Lassie" 1 . 1 Only members of the family will get this one.

400 miles in torrential rain over the weekend. My smart Roadster doesn't leak. That's it.

So there you have it. I can say with complete certainty that Bluetooth works on XP and not on W2K. Ok, to be a bit more precise - you can connect to a phone using BT on W2K but you can't use the phone as a modem to connect to the Internet. It just don't work, I've spent the last fortnight trying. You can however use a USB cable to connect no probs, BT forget it. To use BT with XP, install the drivers from the CD supplied with the dongle, do not under any circumstances use the crap Microsoft stack - it don't work - unfortunately, these get installed by the add h/w wizard when you plug in the dongle! You must then uninstall the M$ driver from the Device Manager. BTW: You get a 10Mb connection with USB & a 1Mb connection using BT, hey ho. Use the cable... Why am doing this? Why indeed. My wife is currently on hols with the youngest son where there's no phone line and she wants to use the net to find local attractions etc. So I get it working and what happens? S...

I was late this morning for various reasons, so I abandoned the roadie in the street just before rushing in to get changed to go to work. I got out of the car and with a small deft tap of my knee knocked the car keys from my hand:- One smart Roadster (Brabus 101) - £8,300 Fuel for one fast dash in from Herne Bay - £2.50 One crowbar - £4.50 Dropping your car keys down the drain when you're in a hurry - priceless. Here's the picture: me lying prone in the road, with no shirt on, ear pressed to the tarmac, hand down a storm drain full of very dead leaves rummaging around 18" of stagnant water. It took me about 15 minutes to get the damn drain cover off as it was cemented in with 25 years worth of dirt and gravel. Fortunately, the dead leaves supported the weight of the keys and they hadn't sunk to the bottom - still not sure how deep the water actually was. I was trying to imagine the conversation with the insurance people when trying to get them replaced as I was convinc...

Due to a lack of exciting or scary things at the moment - or as they say in the media - a slow news week, I thought I'd jot this little ditty down after seeing the wife on the beach: 'Never do a bikini line shave and then wear a very thin speedo swimming costume' I shall leave it up to the reader to ponder this one. Also, the most interesting thing that has happened recently is that I got a flat rear tyre on the Brabus. Spooky, it was flat as a twat last night, I pumped it up to 29psi using the most efficient, smart supplied German air pump, drove home 20 miles and it was still 29psi. This morning it was the same 29psi. Odd. The flat is due to me hitting a f*g great pothole in the dark in the middle of Kent the other week. The alloy rim bent about 1" but the tyre remained up although leaking slightly. The tyre man made the astounding revelation "If it goes down, then you'd better get it fixed". Well it went flat yesterday, and although it's still ...

How scary is this then? I'd just picked up the brake bits from the smart Dealer and driving back in what seems like the only break in the rain this month, I was enjoying 1 driving north up the A249 from the Stockbury roundabout in the left hand side of the dual carriageway - now that bit is important. The south-bound road is on the other side of a very secure central reservation and crash-barrier. Fortunately there was only me and an M3 beamer on the road. Round the bend on MY side of the road driving south in the "fast" lane is a newish blue Corsa (or something). As I explained to the Police later, the last thing you do when faced with a 100mph head-on collision is take the other blokes number or go "my, that's a nice SRi with aftermarket wheel trims". ring ring ring "Hello, I've nearly been killed" "Don't worry sir, so's a few other people too" If you ARE the b*d who was driving, you owe me a laundry bill. 1 i.e. giving it...

Hmm. When I test drove the smart Roadster in April I complained that the brakes were strange (like, they didn't work going into a roundabout). Indeed, I understand that they are a bit odd anyway at the best of times. However, the selling garage said that "they'd get them fixed". They did and things were fine. Last week they got progressively worse - so much so that I figured I bust a slave cylinder or something. I pulled the rear drum off and had look. The offside pawl was missing, resulting in no slack being taken up by the ratchet as the shoes wore down. "Hello, this bit's missing, I'd like you to fix it under guarantee." "Oh no, sir, it's part of the brakes and they're not covered." "Um, no, brakes are the weary-down thingies that... never mind" "Ok, you get the bit and we'll pay for it" "Fair enough, I've got nothing better to do at the weekend..." I must be mad.

Oh 'eck. I left IBM on Friday to join the company 'next door'. So, let's get this straight - I was working for a place that contracted IBM to provide the software services. This company sold out to "them next door" who will take over the entire site in November (long story - but IBM probably won't be there after that). I go for an interview and get the job - and more money. My new boss agrees to lend me back to the original firm (not IBM) to do the same job and sitting at the same desk. Someone somewhere knows what they're doing.

You have to get a mental picture for this one. We'd been invited to a "longest day party" at an Aunt-In-Law's and my wife had been asked to make a dessert. She made a hazlenut meringue with whipped cream and part-melted chocolate on the top. This part-solid, gooey mass is carefully placed in a (long) Tupperware container. "Go and put that carefully in the car and I'll lock up the house" Can you see where this is going? I opened the boot 1 of the smart Roadster with the radio-key in one hand and the sweet in the other. Have you ever held a pack of brand new playing cards and squeezed gently? The result is something out of Alice In Wonderland (no, the original, not that version) where all the cards fly in the air and land all over Alice. Now picture that, substituting the cards for the Tupperware box, the meringue and the boot carpet. How do you get meringue and chocolate sauce out of black carpets, boot locks, number plates, exhausts, shirts...? 1 UK=b...

Well, not quite as I shall explain. The wet suit thing came about because I foolishly said "yeah, I'll help you crew your catamaran sometime" to a friend of mine. That time came last weekend and I found out that it was a 2 day event of six races off the coast of the Isle of Sheppey for Dart 18's and not a gentle trip across the bay as I'd been led to believe. Saturday was fine. Light winds (or "airs" as it's known in the trade) and lovely sunshine. I asked my friend what his plan was for the day. "I'd be happy to come last, I enjoy sailing" Mine was not to drown. We came 17th overall (out of 34) and in the second race came 10th. Not bad for an amateur. Sunday however, was different. At the start of the first race (in fact in all races - apparently) we're all milling around the start line with various people shouting "up!, UP!, UP!" and "no water!, NO WATER!" - which is sailing speak for "fuck off, you'r...