Never mock the afflicted...

The Prologue
I finally got around to getting the back of my smart roadster "fixed" by the local coachworks after some 16 year oik reversed a van into it at the local breakers - sorry - "Vehicle Dismantlers And Recycling Facility" - must be politically correct nowadays. To be fair, the owner was fairly apologetic in the only way that scrapmen can be, thus:

"...humph, take it down to Richard..."

The rest of the outburst involved a variety four & seven letter words and included statements like "...shouldn't have been ******* driving..." and "...stupid little ****...".

I saw Richard a few days later who took one look at it as if to say "what's all the fuss about" and he promptly got some "Paint & Tar Remover" and, in 30 seconds, removed all evidence from the rear valence and wheel arch.

"Um thanks, it's the principle y'know, not the damage...", too late, Richard had retreated into the psychedelic cave that was his paint shop.
Chapter One

Sadly, I had to go to the funeral of the secretary of my Motor Club last Friday, and had just enough time to cat-lick-wash the car, go to the local filling station for cash and petrol before driving 25 or so miles to the crematorium.

I parked up, got some cash and then drove to the only "super" petrol pump in the station. There was a Corsa parked by the pump and as I pulled up, the woman (sorry, girl) was just walking away to pay.

Fair enough, I stopped *just* behind her to allow a chap to use the "non-super" pump behind me.

I'm now boxed in.

I wait and wait for the girl to return and notice that she's also doing her shopping in the Co-op and probably having a cup of coffee too. The bloke behind me is about 5th in the queue waiting to pay.

I start getting, um, slightly cross as I've now lost sight of her too and have absolutely no idea where she is. So, without thinking, I whack the accelerator to the floor as a sign of irritation.

This has no effect for two reasons:

One: It's not my V8 Mustang with open headers (which I sold about 3 years ago) and,
Two: When you leave a semi-auto smart in gear it goes forwards rather than raising the engine revs.

I worked out I had about point-seven of a second to respond and hit the brakes before cannoning into the back of the Corsa. I got out to take a look and noted that I was about 3 inches from her bumper. It was at this point the girl came out of the shop back to her car.

And I quote: "Sorry, sorry, ever so sorry."...

...Great! She's realised!...

...and she promptly walked straight past me, across the fore-court and into the McDonald's beyond.

The bloke behind returned and we had a quick conversation about women drivers and the war and he drove off (laughing).

I, was, seething.

I decided I couldn't waste any more time and I'd fill up with "regular" instead, so I got in, started up and promptly reversed straight into the traffic cone hiding the concrete bollard at the end of the fuel isle.
Chapter Two

I filled up with regular petrol, bought a losing lottery ticket and got to the funeral with half-hour to spare where I had to explain why I had a lovely clean car with the shape of a traffic cone on the wheel arch.
The Epilogue

I learnt a few things:
  1. Always take a car out of gear when stationary.
  2. Smart roadsters have bendy-plastic arches for a reason.
  3. Silver/Grey T-Cut Color-Fast(sic) works very well on bendy-plastic arches.

  4. She's still parked at the pump even now.
  5. And I still have no idea why her Corsa wanted super in the first place.

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