How to take money out of a bank.
When my Dad was alive:
"Hello"
"Hello Sir, I recognise you because you've banked with us for 30 years. How can I help?"
"I'd like £1,300 please"
"Certainly. There you are. Good day."
"Thank you, good day"
Today:
Go onto www.satander.co.uk, click "Contact Us", spend 10 minutes scanning the page and eventually find "To talk about >Bank Accounts", click that. Eventually find "Managing your account".
Dials number.
"This is Satander. Please press '1' for Bank Account. Press '2' for Credit Card. Press '3' for other bollox. Press '4'....!
1
"...please enter your 16 digit card number and then your Telephone Banking Number..."
"Thank you. Press '1' if you want to hear your balance. Press '2' to transfer money. Press '3'...."
I don't want any of those, so I pressed '0' a lot of times.
"Sorry, we didn't recognise any of those options, please wait for an advisor."
(Listen to most of badly played version of something)
"Hello. My names Sally, how can I help?"
"Hello. I want to take £1,300 out of my local bank. Y'know, the one I've been there for the last 30 years. I'm fairly certain that I have to pre-order the cash."
"I'm sorry, I'm in Bolton. I have no idea who are. You can take out £500 from the counter and £300 from the ATM."
"No, I need the £1,300 my account this afternoon."
"Ah, you need to order the money it will take 48 hours."
"I know that. You mean you don't carry £1,300 in branch?"
"Can't answer that, security. Sorry that's the policy. No, it's just that you have order it. I'll ring your branch as a courtesy to you and see if they can do it."
(Listen to the rest of the version of something)
"No, sorry they can't do it. Are there any other banks on your area?"
"You're the sodding bank, don't you know where your branches are?"
"Oh, there's one at the local shopping centre (12 miles away). I'll ring them."
"Nooo, don't put the hold music on!"
Too late.
"OK, they can do it. Please take your passport, driving license and bank card with you. Is there anything else I can help you with?
"Um, yes, answer this. How come my branch can't do it and yet the other one can?"
"Is there any else I can help you with?"
"Yes, shoot the composer"
"Sorry?"
"Never mind. Thanks for your help. Goodbye"
My Dad died of a heart-attack. Now I know why.
"Hello"
"Hello Sir, I recognise you because you've banked with us for 30 years. How can I help?"
"I'd like £1,300 please"
"Certainly. There you are. Good day."
"Thank you, good day"
Today:
Go onto www.satander.co.uk, click "Contact Us", spend 10 minutes scanning the page and eventually find "To talk about >Bank Accounts", click that. Eventually find "Managing your account".
Dials number.
"This is Satander. Please press '1' for Bank Account. Press '2' for Credit Card. Press '3' for other bollox. Press '4'....!
1
"...please enter your 16 digit card number and then your Telephone Banking Number..."
"Thank you. Press '1' if you want to hear your balance. Press '2' to transfer money. Press '3'...."
I don't want any of those, so I pressed '0' a lot of times.
"Sorry, we didn't recognise any of those options, please wait for an advisor."
(Listen to most of badly played version of something)
"Hello. My names Sally, how can I help?"
"Hello. I want to take £1,300 out of my local bank. Y'know, the one I've been there for the last 30 years. I'm fairly certain that I have to pre-order the cash."
"I'm sorry, I'm in Bolton. I have no idea who are. You can take out £500 from the counter and £300 from the ATM."
"No, I need the £1,300 my account this afternoon."
"Ah, you need to order the money it will take 48 hours."
"I know that. You mean you don't carry £1,300 in branch?"
"Can't answer that, security. Sorry that's the policy. No, it's just that you have order it. I'll ring your branch as a courtesy to you and see if they can do it."
(Listen to the rest of the version of something)
"No, sorry they can't do it. Are there any other banks on your area?"
"You're the sodding bank, don't you know where your branches are?"
"Oh, there's one at the local shopping centre (12 miles away). I'll ring them."
"Nooo, don't put the hold music on!"
Too late.
"OK, they can do it. Please take your passport, driving license and bank card with you. Is there anything else I can help you with?
"Um, yes, answer this. How come my branch can't do it and yet the other one can?"
"Is there any else I can help you with?"
"Yes, shoot the composer"
"Sorry?"
"Never mind. Thanks for your help. Goodbye"
My Dad died of a heart-attack. Now I know why.
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