50+ and proud of it.

Yesterday I went to an "team hug" session at a London conference centre. It was sold to us as "The IT Conference", but that soon changed when we found out that the afternoon would consist of, in part, of a team-building exercise. The exercise consisted of seven teams all armed with a small video camera. We were to film the "Lord Of The Rings", which was to be edited down to 35 minutes. We were supplied with all props, costume and make-up as required. There was, however, no scenery. We had to make it up using naturally occurring items at the centre - car parks, desks, tarmac roads etc. Much hilarity was to be had when we realised phrases like "Merry was to have Frodo's ring on his finger" and the like could be loosely woven into the script. We decided that one of the shots should be taken outside and we used a large green "Fire Assembly Point" sign as symbolic of a tree. And we all crouched around the base of it pretending to c...

The Scottish Holiday. Plan A, which was rapidly followed by Plans B thru' Z following the demise of the Astra's clutch, was always going to be a visit to Chatsworth House in Derbyshire. Chapter Eleven: I was in a bit of a "tiz" about getting back to Kendal to pick up the now-fixed-Astra before the garage shut for the weekend - this meant some fine planning regarding leaving the castle on the Friday morning. This would entail leaving at *precisely* 10:00am in order to make the 270 miles in good time. I also had to factor in going through Glasgow. I was, as you say, worried. I rang up the garage in Kendal. "Hiya, what time do you shut please? It would be nice if we could pick up the Astra and pay you for it before you go home for the Jubilee Weekend." "You can pay over the phone if you like and we can leave the key under a rock or something." "Ah ha. Yes. Key! I have my spare with me, just lock the other in the boot. Oh ...

The Scottish Holiday . We settled down to the serenity of the castle & its half-a-mile beach with nothing on it except sea-birds and a piece of wood that looked remarkably like a seal... Another not-seal Chapter Nine: "Have you read the castle log book?" asked one of my friends, "someone here says there's an otter in the bay." That was that then - my artist friend had the same desire to see an otter as my wife had to see some seals. She and her husband walked the beach each morning to see if the otter was around. The word "unimpressed" doesn't quite describe the look she had when another of my friends came back on "Day 3" with an SD Card stuffed full of otter-shots. He was a fan of Monty Python... "I shall, today, henceforth be known as the Otter-Spotter, there shall be a count of one otter, not two... " "Shut. Up." "Wanna see the pics?" "No" Number of ...

The Scottish Holiday . We've just come "off the mountain" after a successful Eagle-Spotting-Twitcher-Annoying expedition... Chapter Eight: A short drive later we ended up in a nice pub in Machrihanish on the west coast. Nice pub, nice food, shame about the beer, oh well. Suitably refreshed, we headed around the bay and got to a point on the road that quite clearly said "nothing interesting from here". I spun the Colt POS around and immediately my wife exclaimed "Stop, stop, stop!" She grabbed the camera, leapt out of the car and started clicking madly at the sea to her right. I parked, got out, wandered over and stood next to a couple, both of whom had binoculars and were smiling knowingly. They were looking left. "What are you doing?" I asked my wife. "I'm taking pictures of those ducks. They've got a load of babies with them!" Ducks & Babies "Ah. So. You're not interest...

The Scottish Holiday . After the trauma of the Astra-breakdown episode and the gutless hirecar, we'd recovered sufficiently to begin to enjoy the rest of our holiday with our friends at the Castle... Chapter Seven: One of the things my wife really wanted to see was a seal, or seals if she was really lucky. So we decided to take a day out and around the Mull Of Kintyre. We stopped at "St Columba's Footprints" and carefully studied the jumbled collection of rocks and seaweed. "No seals there dear, let's carry on" "Oh, alright then, never mind. But that's where we were told they are most likely to be." We drove on and took a gated road signposted " To The Lighthouse ". This took us right up into the hills. As we were driving slowly along admiring the view, my wife whispered quietly... " Ooh, look an Eagle! " "Stop that, that's not funny." "No, really. Stop the car." ...

The Scottish Holiday . We now have a bust Astra with most of our stuff in it in a garage in Kendal and we're with two suitcases plus a SatNav in a B&B in Windermere. Chapter Four: It's Monday morning and I'm waiting for a call from the garage. I had, as instructed by the RAC bloke, left my contact details in the Astra. "Didn't they say they would call us by 08:30 with an estimated-time-to-fix?" asked my wife. "Yup, that's what we were told. I'll give the garage a ring to see what's happening. Got the number?" There was a slight pause. "Um, no. Didn't you get it?" "Um, no. What was the name of the garage? I was mildly drunk when we dropped the car off in the middle of that industrial estate." Sound of penny dropping. "Wait a minute. So we're here in Windermere and the car's "somewhere else" and we have absolutely no idea where it other than "w...

The Scottish Holiday . Chapter One: We set off last Saturday for our holiday in a Scottish Castle (nowhere near Loch Lomond ). The Astra packed full of "stuff" that we might need in a Castle - folding chairs, walking boots, gaffer tape, two proofs-of-address and the like. Even fully loaded, the Astra was doing an estimated 42 mpg - excellent! We spent the night in the Midlands and on the Sunday we set off for our next stop in Windermere in the Lake District. We've now done about 100 miles up the M6 and decide it's time to have lunch. Junction 27 seemed to offer the most options and we diverted up the B5250 to see what was there. We spotted the Mulberry Tree pub in Wrightington. "Looks good. Let's go eat!" I pulled into the car park and nearly overshot into the field. "What ARE you doing?" my wife asked. "That'll be the clutch gone then." Silence. "Oh bugger." "Don't w...

So. I got the new radiator hoses from Vauxhall at a stupid £45 for the two and fitted them the weekend before we were due to go away on our Touring-Trip-Of-Scotland. I used this as an excuse to get out of helping with my sister-in-law's 50th birthday party. "But, I need to make sure the car is OK for next week dear!" "OK, I'll take the smart, and woe betide you if you're late for the party!" The Astra is now in bits and has no water in it. It is 6 minutes to 12 o'clock on a Saturday morning. I know this. For some bizarre reason, I decided to test the tightness of the -ve battery terminal by gently shaking the clamp. It was loose. "Ah, I wonder if this is the cause of it cutting out last week?" I took a 10mm spanner and gently tweaked up the bolt. The lead post (as in led, not leed) offered no resistance and gracefully detached itself in its entirety from the battery, the terminal now firmly bolted to the -ve lead (as in le...

Having spent 2 days the other week doing the head gasket on my son's Peugeot 106, I was less than impressed when I got a phone call today. "Dad, All the water has just come out of the radiator." "I topped it up to the top like you said" (Oh, it's my fault now?") "and it's all come out."  "Ok, what did you do? Was it leaking?" "No" "In that case, you've put too much in and it's just chucked it out to find its own level. Bye." I was driving, so not really impressed. I sent a security text - "make sure there's some water in it before driving home". When we all got home, I took a look. "Ah, that's not good, there's oil in the radiator cap" "Well, the antifreeze I topped up with did look a little strange" "Eh? What can did you use?" "That one" He pointed to the old can I filled up last week with old engine oi...

Sooo, I decided to service the Astra and also fix the tiniest of water leaks from the thermostat housing. It was barely visible and the only tell-tale sign was a slight reddish smear on the head. Thinking ahead, I rang the Vauxhall dealer to see if they had a thermostat housing gasket. Thursday: *ring* "Hello main dealer, have you got a thermostat housing gasket?" "Yes, it's £49." "WTF? How much?!" "Yes, it only comes with the thermostat." Bloody hell, I knew main dealers were dear, but that's taking the p. *ring*  "Hello local motor factors, have you got a thermostat housing gasket?" "Yes, it's £79." "WTF? It's £49 at the main dealer!" "OK, we'll do it for that, I'll order one for you." Friday: I took the day off for the job. Servicing? Easy. Even doing the fuel filter with those bloody stupid clip things was easy. I removed the thermostat housing and then th...

Having just spend last weekend doing the head gasket on my son's Peugeot 106 I felt less than happy when the MIL light came on the Astra last night. It's always lost some coolant "somewhere" but other than that it's run pretty well over the years. The Vauxhall dealer simply taking a "wait and see" approach, which translates to "rather than fix a minor (leak) problem we'll wait until it goes bang and charge you sh*t loads".   I pulled (and cleared) the codes. "Cylinder 3 misfire", and, it required about a litre of water to get the coolant level right. I started to suspect a head gasket. So armed with a credit card, I drove to the local factors. On the way, it started to misfire quite badly..., and then miraculously run properly..., and run just fine on the way back too. I bought nothing, but ordered plenty.   I pulled (and cleared) the codes again. "Cylinder 3 misfire". Ok. Check the oil - absolutely no water ther...

Occasionally there are times that my wife calls "bottle it" moments. This evening was one such moment. The local school was holding a Fete & Music Night for St George's Day. It had been going all day and my neighbour had already complained that "if you can hear the music indoors, then it's too loud". I tended to agree, as the bands who were booked to play in a small village, probably deserved to be booked, well, for small villages. I simply turned the TV up a bit and watched "The Voice". A while later, my wife called me from upstairs. "Listen", she said, "it's a Pink Floyd tribute band". We sat in the loft extension with the window open looking out over the estuary with the stars just starting to show against the deep blue & dark red of the sunset. The band played "Comfortably Numb", by Pink Floyd as their last number. Jeez can that boy play the lead guitar. Wow.

This was going to be entitled "The Missing Link", but after today, I feel that "morale" is more appropriate. Chapter 1: I went to our Devon office on Monday for an "analyst meeting", it was in fact a shameless excuse for a free lunch and to say "bye" to the people who were leaving when the office shuts at the end of the month. There were four of us in the company Skoda, plus luggage and laptops so I was quite irritated to be asked, "By the way, can you take back that Development AS400 that's sat in the hallway and those disks?". Humph. I went out and rearranged the boot and made space for the "office environment server", or "large-slab-of-useless-metal" as I fondly call AS400's. It rained. I got soaked. I went back indoors. "Oh, don't forget the tape drive and all the cables.". Humph. I went out and threw all the luggage into the back seats and wedged the drive next to the AS400. I then filled ...

Midway through our Beach Buggy Safari, there was a planned stop for lunch. I was told that "it was in the middle of a river". This didn't overly concern me as surely there must be a bridge or something to get to the restaurant? I was wrong. Quite wrong in fact. The restaurant was indeed, in the middle of a river. The tables were located in the water and we now realised why we were told that bringing swimming trunks was mandatory. When we got there my wife took one look and announced "There's no way I'm walking through that water with my gammy toe". (Never mind the fact that this water was probably better quality than Evian even though there were children swimming in it). "I'll eat on the bank". This naturally upset the locals. And one returned with a chair. "Seet down...", his friend, quick as a flash, whipped out a carrier bag from behind his back and tied it around her foot. "Don't move", and the two of them carr...

A quick plug for my son's band " CzechMate ". They're playing the 100 Club in Oxford Street, London on 17th August 2012. Worth a trip there. Good value for £8. ...and the Nambucca too, July 15th.

Brasil is pretty much the only holiday from which, on the flight back, I have tried to work out how I was going to go back there. When we first arrived it seemed like pretty much the same as any "Mediterranean" country. Where was the "I'm in South America" feeling? Where were the Amazonian Native Indians? Where were all the exotic birds and animals? And in particular, where were all the Brazilian Wandering Spiders ? I then realised that Brasil is as large as the United States and at least maybe I shouldn't worry about the spiders. On the second day there we were taking breakfast on the veranda when this turned up: Possibly a Swallow-Tailed Hummingbird Every morning he (or she) would have his breakfast from the hibiscus flowers and move on. I started to feel less, um, well, cheated and started to warm to the place! A few days later we went on a "Beach Buggy Safari". Which consisted of all of us piling into a VW engined buggy and being driven 30k dow...