50+ and proud of it.

We ordered a nice display cabinet from Argos last December. We spent *weeks* choosing the one we wanted. Its primary purpose was to hold the drinks that were cluttering up the kitchen worktops - the bottles were moved when the original 25 year old unit fell apart last year. It arrived today, and I watched the men carefully carry it in from the lorry into my lounge. They didn't hit anything and I didn't move it later. You can probably see where this is going can't you? I unwrapped the bottom half, moved it into position and adjusted the bottom doors and fitted the handles to perfection. I unwrapped the top half and upon removing the last bit of protective cardboard found a dent in the top rail. I planned a strategy that went along the lines of "Hello, my unit's bust you bastards, send out another by tomorrow or else, or, you can refund me the price for the top half." **ring** **ring** "Hello, this is Neil, how may I help you with your Argos Order?" ...

My beloved Garmin i3 broke the other day - some cheap aerial I bought a while back on eBay left the plug part in the socket part and, despite valiant efforts with a pair of tweezers and eventually a soldering iron, I couldn't get the bit out. Ok, so it works without an aerial; in fact I don't actually use an aerial in any of my cars so really there's no difference... But, I do use the aerial for Renaults and going-on-holiday-cars and this is where it all started. I drove Mum & Dad-In-Law to Southampton last week in their Renault and that did have a metallised windscreen hence the aerial, hence the bugger-it's-just-bust aerial. Now, it costs about £75 to have it fixed and, more importantly the maps are 2 years out of date, and they're about £60 for the latest update. Ergo, a new Garmin please. I tried this logic on the wife who asked me this important question - "What's wrong with the old one then?". Never mind.

I found an identical Peugeot 106 to the one I crashed after 300 yards (or metres in new money) last November. One owner, & etc blah blah blah. I picked it up today. At lunchtime. In the light. I drove home at 30mph all the way even in the derestricted parts. I blamed it on the snow that wasn't actually on the road but it was an excuse. Did you know it's very difficult not to blink for 5½ miles?

An open letter to Mercedes-Benz: Dear Sirs, Thank you for fitting ABS and ESP on my smart Roadster. Yours snowingly Pete The Van.

I watched the good ol' Beeb tonight with some concern regarding the 1994 Mull Of Kintyre Chinook crash . I've worked for the MOD - and written software for them. Indeed, my software is still flying in the Typhoon 1 . It works like this: Write some software. Test it. Fix it. Repeat 2 & 3 until you run out of time/money etc. SAVE THE SOFTWARE TO DISK/PAPER TAPE/CD/DVD etc etc. Deliver the software. Here's the point: If they're really concerned about finding the cause of the accident - grab the flight software from backup in Step 5, chuck it into a Chinook simulator, enter the flight parameters that are known from 2/6/94 and Bob's Your Uncle. 1 Not quite, but it would take too long to explain...

This isn't anything to do with me but... My friend and work colleague has just sold his smart Roadster because it was costing him too much money (WTF?). Ok, the servicing was costing him too much money because he does about 100 miles a day and they want a service every 7,000 miles. And, the loan was costing him too much too. So the plan was to a) sell the roadie and b) buy a cheap diesel something that did the same mpg but only wanted a service every 20,000. So he bought an Audi A3 2.0 TDi that cost nearly as much as he sold the smart for. (Ooh, so that'll reduce the loan then won't it?) On the way back home he stopped in a fuel station, and, whilst looking for the filler release, found the small compartment under the seat that all A3's have. This small compartment contained a plastic bag. This bag was full of cocaine (or similar powder). And the amount would seem to indicate that it wasn't for personal use. Trying not to look conspicuous, he slipped the bag in a n...