50+ and proud of it.

10 Things I have learnt about tiling:- Cats know you've tiled, but don't care. Adhesive called "RapidSet" does exactly what it says on the tin. Tiles aren't the same size - none of them - at all. Rooms aren't square. You can't cut a 20mm square from a tile, no matter how hard you try. Grouting is fun - cleaning up afterwards isn't. It takes 10kg of adhesive to tile a floor 3m x 4m - it takes 2g of adhesive to block the sink U-bend. Stainless steel sink units aren't. 15 tiles in a cardboard box falling through 90° smashes a cat bowl to smithereens. Cats can fly .

I read recently about a woman who turned left up a railway line because her Sat Nav told her to. Err, "Hello", is she completely and utterly stupid? This woman should not be driving should she? It really gets me mad that people make fundamental driving errors and then try and blame someone else. "The car made me do it", "My dog barked and I was so startled that I turned up the down ramp and drove 25 miles the wrong way up the M40", "My interior light came on by itself and so I shot my husband".... No. What happened to common sense? These devices have a thing called a "map" and a "distance to junction" don't they? My Garmin does sensible things like "turn left in half a mile" and then at (or near) the junction it's " turn left" . Not "hang a left as soon as I've finished speaking" but "turn left and have a little look to check the map to see where". This woman should be anot...

Funny how a job - "Oh, let's get the kitchen done" - turns out to be "Let's tile the kitchen, hall and conservatory too". Ok, it can't be that hard can it? {Extremely long story cut about choosing tiles} 1 Goes to local tiling place:- "Can I have some of these tiles please?" "Yup, you're going to need some * special * glue 'cos you're covering old Marley Tiles" "Fair enough, any advice mate?" "Yup, here's a free DVD on How To Tile The Professional Way" Eeek, to me a DVD means about 2 hours worth of stuff to watch. Already my neighbour who is a retired plasterer/tiler is starting to look like a better option. We watch the DVD together (no not that sort of "together", more in an "all lads together" sort of way - but less the beer). "Yes, that's right" he says, and promptly goes back home. How to tile: Mark out, mix quick drying adhesive, lay tiles, panic, mix more ad...

My Mom is 91, grew up in "The War" and now firmly believes that she's 23 and can do anything. She insists that she still goes up to town and down to the butcher's every week, whereas we all know that she hasn't been out since last July. My sister and I kept gently asking if "she needs any help" with the cooking, cleaning and, more importantly, remembering to take her tablets every day. An important digression: UK Social Services will not get involved unless the involvee specifically requests them to help by signing an involvement document. The conversation generally goes along the lines of: "Mom, shall we ask if you need some help?" "What! I don't need any help, I still go to town, what day is it? who are you?" This is nearly the classic Catch 22 situation (look it up on Google...). How do you get someone to say they need help, when they genuinely don't believe that they do? The answer presented itself over the New Year. To ...

Consider this. It's Christmas Eve and the family are round - like good Catholics we they are, they all go to Midnight Mass. So that no one can break in and steal the presents, I volunteer to stay at home guarding the Christmas Tree - armed only with a decent bottle of Chatneau-Neuf. 2am arrives and we trot off to the Land Of Nod. The good wife and I sleep downstairs with the trusty mobile phone alarm set for 10am so that the sprouts can go on ready for 3pm lunch. At precisely 07:15 the phone erupts with some weird polyphonic garbage that laughingly passes for a text message alert. "What the f*** was that?" "It's my best friend Lorraine 1 wishing us a Happy Christmas! How nice!" I think she's the second person to be nominated for the pwsbk award... 1 Name not changed - at all.