50+ and proud of it.

I was late this morning for various reasons, so I abandoned the roadie in the street just before rushing in to get changed to go to work. I got out of the car and with a small deft tap of my knee knocked the car keys from my hand:- One smart Roadster (Brabus 101) - £8,300 Fuel for one fast dash in from Herne Bay - £2.50 One crowbar - £4.50 Dropping your car keys down the drain when you're in a hurry - priceless. Here's the picture: me lying prone in the road, with no shirt on, ear pressed to the tarmac, hand down a storm drain full of very dead leaves rummaging around 18" of stagnant water. It took me about 15 minutes to get the damn drain cover off as it was cemented in with 25 years worth of dirt and gravel. Fortunately, the dead leaves supported the weight of the keys and they hadn't sunk to the bottom - still not sure how deep the water actually was. I was trying to imagine the conversation with the insurance people when trying to get them replaced as I was convinc...

Due to a lack of exciting or scary things at the moment - or as they say in the media - a slow news week, I thought I'd jot this little ditty down after seeing the wife on the beach: 'Never do a bikini line shave and then wear a very thin speedo swimming costume' I shall leave it up to the reader to ponder this one. Also, the most interesting thing that has happened recently is that I got a flat rear tyre on the Brabus. Spooky, it was flat as a twat last night, I pumped it up to 29psi using the most efficient, smart supplied German air pump, drove home 20 miles and it was still 29psi. This morning it was the same 29psi. Odd. The flat is due to me hitting a f*g great pothole in the dark in the middle of Kent the other week. The alloy rim bent about 1" but the tyre remained up although leaking slightly. The tyre man made the astounding revelation "If it goes down, then you'd better get it fixed". Well it went flat yesterday, and although it's still ...

How scary is this then? I'd just picked up the brake bits from the smart Dealer and driving back in what seems like the only break in the rain this month, I was enjoying 1 driving north up the A249 from the Stockbury roundabout in the left hand side of the dual carriageway - now that bit is important. The south-bound road is on the other side of a very secure central reservation and crash-barrier. Fortunately there was only me and an M3 beamer on the road. Round the bend on MY side of the road driving south in the "fast" lane is a newish blue Corsa (or something). As I explained to the Police later, the last thing you do when faced with a 100mph head-on collision is take the other blokes number or go "my, that's a nice SRi with aftermarket wheel trims". ring ring ring "Hello, I've nearly been killed" "Don't worry sir, so's a few other people too" If you ARE the b*d who was driving, you owe me a laundry bill. 1 i.e. giving it...

Hmm. When I test drove the smart Roadster in April I complained that the brakes were strange (like, they didn't work going into a roundabout). Indeed, I understand that they are a bit odd anyway at the best of times. However, the selling garage said that "they'd get them fixed". They did and things were fine. Last week they got progressively worse - so much so that I figured I bust a slave cylinder or something. I pulled the rear drum off and had look. The offside pawl was missing, resulting in no slack being taken up by the ratchet as the shoes wore down. "Hello, this bit's missing, I'd like you to fix it under guarantee." "Oh no, sir, it's part of the brakes and they're not covered." "Um, no, brakes are the weary-down thingies that... never mind" "Ok, you get the bit and we'll pay for it" "Fair enough, I've got nothing better to do at the weekend..." I must be mad.

Oh 'eck. I left IBM on Friday to join the company 'next door'. So, let's get this straight - I was working for a place that contracted IBM to provide the software services. This company sold out to "them next door" who will take over the entire site in November (long story - but IBM probably won't be there after that). I go for an interview and get the job - and more money. My new boss agrees to lend me back to the original firm (not IBM) to do the same job and sitting at the same desk. Someone somewhere knows what they're doing.

You have to get a mental picture for this one. We'd been invited to a "longest day party" at an Aunt-In-Law's and my wife had been asked to make a dessert. She made a hazlenut meringue with whipped cream and part-melted chocolate on the top. This part-solid, gooey mass is carefully placed in a (long) Tupperware container. "Go and put that carefully in the car and I'll lock up the house" Can you see where this is going? I opened the boot 1 of the smart Roadster with the radio-key in one hand and the sweet in the other. Have you ever held a pack of brand new playing cards and squeezed gently? The result is something out of Alice In Wonderland (no, the original, not that version) where all the cards fly in the air and land all over Alice. Now picture that, substituting the cards for the Tupperware box, the meringue and the boot carpet. How do you get meringue and chocolate sauce out of black carpets, boot locks, number plates, exhausts, shirts...? 1 UK=b...

Well, not quite as I shall explain. The wet suit thing came about because I foolishly said "yeah, I'll help you crew your catamaran sometime" to a friend of mine. That time came last weekend and I found out that it was a 2 day event of six races off the coast of the Isle of Sheppey for Dart 18's and not a gentle trip across the bay as I'd been led to believe. Saturday was fine. Light winds (or "airs" as it's known in the trade) and lovely sunshine. I asked my friend what his plan was for the day. "I'd be happy to come last, I enjoy sailing" Mine was not to drown. We came 17th overall (out of 34) and in the second race came 10th. Not bad for an amateur. Sunday however, was different. At the start of the first race (in fact in all races - apparently) we're all milling around the start line with various people shouting "up!, UP!, UP!" and "no water!, NO WATER!" - which is sailing speak for "fuck off, you'r...

Oops. I didn't fit the oil filler cap correctly. That's the view of the garage. They spent Friday "looking" at it and even drove it about 30 miles and absolutely nothing came out of it. My view is that the oil pixies got into the engine. We have no idea what's gone on here.

Ah. There I was minding my own business driving back in my smart Roadster from having a wet-suit fitted (more on this later I suspect) when I felt sick. You do the usual things - blame the car in front, blame the farmers, blame the Government. However, this smell just didn't go away. I got home to find that the turbo oil feed pipe 1 had fractured and dumped about ½pt of Mobil One all over the engine and exhaust. The next morning 2 I found a patch of oil about 1ft diameter that had simply come off the engine whilst standing overnight. "Hello garage, please come and get my car that's under guarantee." "Oh no sir, we're the largest Mazda dealer in Maidstone and we don't have a car transporter. You'll have to get it to us yourself. Here's a number of someone local, he'll only charge you an arm, you can keep your leg." >click "Hello RAC, please take my car from home to Maidstone." "No problem sir." >click 1 I think ...

After realising that I've got about 100 email addresses due to various ISP changes and the like, my latest move to BT (which gave me another two...) prompted me to bite the bullet and purchase a domain name. Now I have just the one. I wonder if you can guess what it is?

I'm still a member of an American Car Club (who have always allowed non-Yanks) and we did the "Great Bucket And Spade Run" yesterday. Much to the annoyance of the organisers, I insisted on parking my smart Roadster alongside my friend's vehicles (well, they did have the awning and the chairs). My wife was always sceptical about turning up at an American Car Club meeting without the Mustang. Within 5 minutes of parking I was deeply engaged with two members of the public about the size/fuel economy/bad backs and steaks (one was an ex-butcher, hence steaks and back backs). This pattern continued throughout the day. Many visitors (and photographs) later, my wife casually remarked "Y'know, I never thought there'd be some much interest in it!" I knew that. Pleased? Yup.

Not an amusing post, but I got a new job starting 1st July. Now, it's the same job, at the same desk, at the same site but working for someone different (not IBM, hooray!) And, here's the best bit - more dosh. In true IBM style, I don't hear or see a manager in months and 5 minutes after the "I quit" Note is sent (a "Note" is an email for those of you who don't use Lotus Notes - or Lotus Not, or Doesn't as it's known) I get a phone call from my manager. "Why are you leaving?" "Who are you?" I thought that put it rather nicely, don't you?

Last February I thought it might be a good idea to switch broadband providers from the lesser known eZeeDSL and get a "total package" with my current home phone provider, Homecall - basically it's cheaper... Anyway, I got a MAC code and rang it into Homecall. Time passes, and so does the expiry on the MAC code. "Hello, what's happening about my broadband?" "Who are you?, Oh yes, err um, your MAC code isn't valid." "Err, did you bother telling me? What's up with it?" "It's for an LLU exchange thingy" >click Get another MAC code in March and ring up another Homecall Muppet. "Here's my MAC code. Is it all right?" "Oh yes, here's your order number. Stuff will be in the post shortly." Time passes, and so does the expiry on the MAC code. The mat by the front door is suspiciously empty of routers etc. "Hello BT, this is what I want" "No problem sir, it'll all be with you Wed...

Yes, I know. I said I'd reserve that for Mustangs, but today I learnt something. "The Book" (i.e. the smart Roadster manual) mentions something about "sports starts". Basically you hoof the throttle down all the way and the engine revs to 3000rpm before the clutch engages. Now I've been doing this already and to be honest I wasn't that impressed with the 0 to anything speed. ('anything' to 'more than anything' is still very impressive however). Today I sat on my favourite roundabout in lane three and this taxi drives up my inside. Something tells you that he's going right as well. We can't have that now can we? No. So, I tramped it as normal - but this time something went "click" and the gas pedal went down just that bit further - the car accelerated so much that I actually couldn't let go to get to the upshift nor reach the "+" paddle without endangering the fact that I was trying to steer left around the ...

So there I was flying along this country road in the smart Roadster and this *big* van comes hacking round the corner. To be fair, if I'd been in the Mustang I wouldn't have been going that fast, but I was. A lot in fact. "It was his fault Officer, he shouldn't have been doing 40" "How fast were you going?" "Erm, a lot more" ...that was the conversation I imagined in that brief instant when your life flashes in front of you. However, I jut braked, hard, and swerved. The SAM too had a little conversation with itself. "Oh dear, I suppose he wants me to take over then" I was absolutely stunned to find the car had simply stopped with no drama an inch from the bank. Very, very impressed I am with these things... Have I learned my lesson? Yes, I won't be going that fast just there again.

Last seen today being driven away the new owners. I will miss it - a lot. I wish them well with it.

The smart Brabus Roadster is just great... This is the only car I've ever driven where at some point in each journey I've either laughed out loud or gone "whoo hoo!" (or the like), can't do "yee har" that's reserved for the Mustang. Sorry, got to keep some things sacred. It's turning a respectable 45mpg at the mo', but I suspect that's due to me not being *entirely* careful with the throttle. There is one problem I can see - I enquired as to how much a rear tyre was. Not because I need one, just to see what I'd let myself in for. "It's £80" the man said, "but, I don't carry them on the shelf, they take a couple of days". Could I be without my roadster for 2 days? Nope. Note to the unwise: smart's don't carry spare wheels, there's no space to put them - but you probably guessed that.

So that's it then. Sold to day at 12:10, my 1990 Mustang GT Convertible. I didn't want to, but it had to go. There comes to a point where justifying 18 mpg on a good day just doesn't cut it and, it needed a bit more TLC than I had time for. I spoke to the lady who bought in on behalf of her currently-in-Asia husband. "He wants it to play with it on the weekends". This is exactly the sort of person who I wanted to sell it to - so I'm convinced it's going to a good home. "Where do you live?" I inquired. "Scotland". Here's a tip to all readers. Go buy shares in Esso.

"Hello, you know when you test drove the Smart Roadster last week and said the brakes felt a bit soft?" "Yes, I actually said that there was something wrong with them 'cos I had to pump them to stop." "Well we bled the brakes" "And?" "Err, it didn't work, so the mechanics said they had to do something else and had to order a part but I don't know what it was." "So?" "Well, you may not be able to pick it up Tuesday." "Oh ok, well as far as I'm aware, the only other component that exhibits that sort of symtoms is a brake master cylinder." "Oh, that was it."

Buying a Z3 seemed like a good plan. After all you could get about 38 to the gallon and all the straight-sixes do the same mileage (nearly) - so the 2.8 seemed excellent. But, around town that drops to around 23 - the Mustang does 19. Get a smaller engine? Yeah, but they're rubbish (not my opinion, but that of most of the reviews I read). I went up the local Co-Op. And, spookily enough, there was a Z3 ("M" 3.2) sitting in the car park with some old chap driving it (he was older than me, so I can say these things...). "That's it - there's someone else in the village with one, can't have one of them". I drove home and spotted another one. Need to go back to Plan A. Plan A always was to get a Smart Roadster, but they're not that quick - but they can do 70 to the gallon. Then I discovered the Brabus variant... I'm picking up my 16,000 miles, '04 plate, silver one on Tuesday.