50+ and proud of it.

I was Googling for stuff about Private Parking Companies (PPC) the other day, for reasons which may, or may not, become clear later. Through an intricate series of "following-web-links" I came across this gem . It's very long. But it comes with a health warning. Don't drink coffee when reading. Enjoy.

My wife has recently been into "day hospital" for a minor operation. It was the usual "name, date of birth, next of kin please" sort of stuff and eventually we made it onto the ward where we went through *exactly* the same set of questions. "They're only making sure they've got the right person," my said trying to justify, "they must make sure that everything is right!" "Right, everything off, put on that gown" smiled the cheery nurse, "now go and pee into that bowl..." "Oh, ok(?)" replied the wife, "I'm sure they know what they're doing." She toddled off and returned with a bowl full of, well, you know. "Ah" "Ah, what?" said the wife "I didn't notice that on your notes, it says you had 'the lot' out a while ago, the pee-test was to ensure that you're not pregnant." "Err, yes, I am completely potential-child free and have been for some time ...

You would think that plugging in a plug is one of the more easy things to do in the 21st century wouldn't you? Well. Last night my "Homeplug v2.0" turned up so that I could connect my TV to the Internet so that I could watch stuff on iPlayer - like the last episode of the series of Doctor Who . The small piece of paper labelled "How to add another Homeplug to an existing network" gave five steps: Plug in the plug. Press and hold the security button 10 seconds Wait until the green light stops flashing. Press the same button on number 1 for 3 seconds. Press the same button on number 2 for 3 seconds. " Wait one minute and you are now networked! " What really happened:- I can do that by reaching behind the TV and plugging it into the power strip. The lights come on and then off again. I can do this too by stretching over the TV, catching my ribs on the top of the TV and winding myself. The lights stop flashing and then they all go off. Number 1? Ah, this o...

I was going to simply put " very " and leave it at that. However... The story so far: Sunday: Go to Mom's for her 96th birthday. (Birthday on the Saturday, but we wanted to take the Great-Grandson with us and his Mom & Dad were only free then). Get there for 15:40 (well, we had got the grandson and they were late getting to us, then we had to feed him half way up the M1. As someone said once "I feel like I've had a good day if I can get the baby and me dressed by lunchtime). Pull up on Mom's driveway to get accosted by a deputation from the neighbours - "She's driving us nuts ringing up every half hour sort out the TV!". Apparently they sort it out and she then fiddles with it because "the picture is dreadful" and then calls them over again. It turns out that "they" turned off the analogue signal a few weeks ago and Mom was trying to watch white noise. The FreeSat box we had fitted a while back simply wasn't being use...

I've always been a fan of Vauxhalls since my MkII Cavalier some, err, a lot, years ago. And, indeed we have an Astra as the sensible car. Since the demise of the daughter's Peugeot a year ago when we got her a Corsa everything was fine; until last week. "Hello Vauxhall Dealer. Please can you do a service and MOT on the Corsa?" "Yes, of course and we'll do a reasonable price too!" *ring* *ring* "Hello, the Corsa has failed on so many things that we ran out of red failure sheets, we've put the car in a cardboard box for you to collect. BTW, the airbag light is on but it's not a failure.". (I knew that, it's been on since we bought the car). Actually, it wasn't that bad TBH. Although it *was* a long list, it was mainly front suspension stuff & broken coil springs 1 that are easy to do - but really irritating thing was it failed on " Drivers' seat not secure ". Part 1: Find a seat Co...

We spent an interesting time near Naples the other week. Interesting, not because the weather was nice and it was all relaxing, or the fact that we spent the week in a down-market version of Center-Parcs, no, it's because the Italians are completely and utterly mad on the road. "What" I hear you say "we already knew that". Wrong - these guys make a profession of it. I've driven along the Adriatic Coast, I've driven in Rome and I've driven in Sicily. But the drivers around Naples are totally bonkers. First of all, the roads are only wide enough for two Fiat 500's and secondly most of them are hacked into a cliff face with a vertical face one side and a sheer drop the other, secured only by a small brick wall. This is a picture of such a road taken shamelessly from this site : Now what makes it interesting is the following scenario: You're driving along at 20 mph trying to slot the i30 between the cliff face + pedestrians and the white line wh...

Dykes , I know a thing or two Well, mostly the Dutchmen do I've been known to put a finger in one or two Anon (...well Ron at work actually)

We work in an office close to one of the main machines and often feel the floor vibrate as the machine switches modes and so on. So when we felt a large "thump" this afternoon we weren't concerned and duly carried on beavering away. A few moments later one of my colleagues remarked, "Oh, we've just lost the network", "...and the phones," came a plaintive cry from the other side of the office "...humph, we've lost the switch, I'll go and check it out." To fully appreciate the next photo you have to know that we work on the second floor and 56 steps from the ground. He came back in to the office from the top of the stairs - "I don't think I want to check the switch..." Yes, that really is 10" deep water, and, hot water too - and it's on the first floor. The Fire Main to the machine hall had fractured and the water was flowing in so fast that it couldn't escape down either set of stairs fast enough so it si...

The wife & I went to see " The Spirit Of Pink Floyd " last Friday at the Winter Gardens in Margate. Now, I'm not reviewing the "gig" - although they did start off a little, um, slow and eventually got going after the interval. I noticed however that the average age of the audience was about 50 and if you could make a cloth out of all the blokes' hair you might just about scrape together a hankie. No, it was the comments from the chaps behind after the band did "Hey You" post-interval. "Well, they finally got one right then..." I got little worried when the guy beside me - who "went for a spliff" at the break - said after then next rendition "This ish my favourite shong from the best album ever". I smiled politely, I had no idea what the song was or indeed from what album, "yeah, the best ever" I agreed. Fortunately the "I luff you" and arm-around-the-shoulders didn't happen. After the show a...

Laughing at your own jokes is a sure sign that you have no friends left. However, for some reason I found this so funny that I was genuinely crying with laughter. This is a "Sametime" conversation with my project manager (PM) regarding a contractor we were going to interview... PM ptv? PTV yo PM can you do an interview with a guy on Friday 9.00 ish ? PTV yes, but I have another chappie from CSI coming to see me at 11:00 for an "introductory visit" PTV It would be good if you were there too... PM ok PM 9.00 to 11.00 PM ? PTV ok PM ok, setting it up , keep friday 9.00 to 11.00 am PM free PM ok, we are seeing him Friday AM speak Thursday - the guy is called Franco PTV Franco. As in furter? PM franco as in italian from sicily PM flying in Thursday 5.00pm PM more details to follow ...

I almost forgot to thank St Thomas's Hospital for saving the life of my grandson the other week. He was born with a 6mm VSD and required open heart surgery at the age of about 10 weeks. No jokes, no smart remarks, just a heartfelt thank you to all concerned. He's doing just fine now. Oh, and the Blue Tits + family left. This was the last we saw of them.

Part The First. (Tuesday) 08:50 Arrive at work via lift from wife. 08:52 "Um, hello Mercedes dealer, I've broken a stud in the turbo on my smart roadster, can you fix please?" "(sigh) I suppose so, bring it in tomorrow." "Ah. I can't drive it 'cos it ain't got no exhaust on it." "Err, do you want to take advantage of the smart recovery service? Here's the number." 08:54 *ring*. Explain. Counter-explain about costing money and AA Recovery service. 08:55 *ding* Text. "Hello it's the AA here we'll be at your house at 09:05" 08:55 and 30 seconds. "Sh*t, give us the keys to the beamer pool car! Gotta go!" 09:05 *ring*. "It's the AA man, where are you?" 09:05 and 30 seconds. Wave to AA man. AA man puts roadster on trailer. 09:20 Drive back to work. 10:00 *ring* "It's Mercedes, your car's just arrived, we'll take a look at it now, not tomorrow." 10:30 *ring* "It...

We were coming back from a nice barbecue the other evening with my wife's family when I kept hearing a slightly different tone from the rear/exhaust of my smart roadster. It sounded a bit more "barky" than usual, and so, armed with a 13mm spanner and a cup of tea I decided to take a look the next morning. How hard can it be to take off half a dozen nuts and bolts? To cut two hours into a couple of sentences goes like this: Undo all nuts. Pull. Find O 2 sensor still connected by cunningly hidden cable. Manage to disconnect sensor plug - 20kgs exhaust drops onto chest. Swear a lot, finish cold tea. Go get another cup. Tighten a few things but can't find obvious problem. Check exhaust nuts are free running on studs. They're not. Screw nut onto stud to free it up a bit. Nut get stuck and strips thread. Undo nut, nut removes most of the thread on the stud, iron filings drop into eye. (see 4) Use proper Britool stud extractor to remove stud. Stud snaps inside the frig...

I would like to thank the pilot of the Mk something-or-other Spitfire that flew over my village on Saturday. My wife would not. We were enjoying a cup of tea on the patio when I heard something interesting flying over. I looked up to see her (ie the Spit, not my wife) banking around the village and disappear behind the roof tops. I leaped up and rushed to the end of the path, bumping into the patio table as I did so. I managed to get to a decent vantage point just to see her do a victory roll over the next village and then drone off over the Thames Estuary and towards Essex. Yeah! Thanks! I went back into the garden. "That was a later mark", I explained, "that didn't have the Merlin engine, else I'd have heard it earlier. That one had the later Griffon engine - they're quieter, so that makes it later than a Mark XII or later." "Sod that, now can you get me another cup of coffee please?"

I was helping 1 my 95 year old mother to fill out the online census form when we came across this question: "Have you ever worked?" The answer is of course "yes", Mom worked as a wages clerk and left for good in 1950. We entered 1950 - here's how the form reacted: ...and refused to allow me to submit the form. What do you do? Keep incrementing the year until it works? What's worse - inaccurate data or no data? What a cock-up. Who programmed this? Aren't people supposed to live this long? I ticked "No". 1 Ok, I was filling it out for her. She's 95 for goodness sake!

It's very difficult to describe the Grand Canyon without referring to the Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy's Total_Perspective_Vortex , so I won't. It is however, very big, very big indeed. Enormous. Huge. We flew out in a Dornier 228... ...met Chuck the Coach Driver and Mr Yamamoto, the Japanese translator (don't ask) and then simply marvelled at the jaw-dropping beauty of it all. The pictures simply don't do it justice... Oh alright then...

As well as the Grand Canyon, one of the highlights of my visit to Las Vegas was a trip to 2900, East Tropicana Avenue, Las Vegas, NV 89121 - otherwise known as "The Gun Store". Expensive, but well worth it IMO. Where else can us Brits get near anything remotely dangerous without going on a week's Health & Safety training course? All the instructors, employees and the cleaner were all "packing heat" and the safety briefing was quite simple: "Point it that way or you're dead." "Posed by model" I fired an AK47 (aka Avtomat Kalashnikova), an IMI Desert Eagle and a Magnum .44 (yes, à la Dirty Harry) I still have "nosseW dna htimS" bruised into my palms. "Not posed by mode l " Epilogue: WW also had a "go", firing the "Ladies Package", which consisted of an AK47 and a Glock. The instructors were brilliant and kindly dismantled the safe end of the range so she could fire in safety whilst sitting in he...

My first grandchild - a boy - was born last night 1st March 2011 at 21:05, weighing in at 8lb 13oz. You can Google for that in mectrickery if you want, I'm old school. Mother and son are just fine. I haven't seem him yet, but my wife went to the hospital very soon after he was born. "He's absolutely gorgeous" she said, "he's got a lovely round face and big hands and feet!" "So, we have a Hobbit as a grandson then?" I slept downstairs.

Whilst in Vegas, the four of us went to the "Cafe Bellagio" for afternoon tea and got slightly nosed-up because we weren't wearing dinner jackets and bow ties, but they begrudgingly let us have a table anyway. On the grounds that cocktails were only slightly more expensive at $12 than a coffee or lemonade, we decide to have one each and share a "Strawberry Cheesecake" between each couple. I think it was because of this that they gave us their *special* version. This consisted of cheesecake, ice cream and something on top they referred to as "spun sugar". This is, in fact, is barbed-wire. When eaten, this jabs with needle-point precision, any available gum, tongue or throat with the same reckless abandon as a manic dentist on speed. The bill came to $72 for four drinks and two razor-wire desserts. We left an $8 tip in case they gunned us down on the way out. Just out of earshot on the mall outside my friend remarked "F*** me, we just paid $80 for S...

My wife and a couple of lovely friends (WW and Hubby) went to Las Vegas the other week ostensibly to cheer on WW in her attempt to win an archery competition that was being run in the conference rooms 1 of our hotel. In reality, it was just an excuse for us all to get away for a week. TBH I was a little underwhelmed by it all as my wife had *seriously* hyped it all up in the weeks prior to us leaving, so when I got there I just went "Yup, this is what I expect". What I hadn't expected though was the distance between the Hotel Lobby and our room was in fact a short bus journey away through the Casino, down the "mall", past the (15th) buffet, round by the Wedding Chapel, up the express lift and onto the 19th floor - and we were in one of the smallest-sized hotels on The Strip at 2,286 rooms. I now know why they have Coke & Ice machines on each floor - if not, by the time you get to the bar for a drink and go back to your room, you're ready for another. I...